I recently had a bit of a girl talk evening with my room-mate. We were talking about D’s work (because he is doing so well and will probably get promoted soon) when she burst into a big smile.
“So….. you think he’s marriage material?!” she grinned.
“Uh. Hm. Yeah sure.”
And with an even bigger grin: “So, can you imagine getting married to him one day?”
And I went silent. Thinking. And then I said.
“I’m not sure. No I can’t imagine myself being married some day at this point. No.”
Isn’t it funny how our own honesty shocks us at times? If she wouldn’t have asked me, I wouldn’t have thought about it. Of course she wanted to know why not. And here’s what I feel like right now.
D is a great person – hard worker, gentle, smart, funny, sexy, understanding, awesome with kids. He’d be a great husband, and an even better Dad. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
But I’m afraid of marriage. I’m afraid of what marriage is to me, what I have been taught marriage is. You see, I only know two extremes: The fundamentalist marriages, and the supposedly terrible secular marriages. I don’t want to be a submissive, meek wife and lose everything I dream of these days. I don’t want to go back to where I’ve been. I don’t want to waste everything I sacrificed just to end up back in the old ways. And I also don’t want one of these marriages the fundamentalists talk about: The man lazy and fat, cheating on his wife, going to swingerclubs, terrible kids. It’s all I know, and I want neither.
I realize there’s got to be more but I just can’t imagine what it would look like. I have just tasted freedom and marriage seems like a prison now.
After I explained this, she pulled a grimace and said “But I thought you wanted kids at some point?”
“Yeah I do”
“So, what, are you going to go European on us and just have them out of wedlock?” she giggled.
“I don’t know” is what I said.
“I think that would be the best solution” is what I felt like saying.
Funny how my own honesty shocks me.