The Image of P/QF and the Duggars

I have stated several times before that I think the Duggars are a very nice and sincere family and I have heard from people who know them personally that they don’t put on an act for the show – that they really are like that.

But I do see a general problem with the show and that’s the public image of the general P/QF movement. 19 kids and counting actually makes it look really good. I watch the show on a regular basis because it makes me feel a bit like… home. But I can’t stop myself from critizing the image of the typical P/QF family as shown in this show.

First off, the Duggars are a rich family. That’s a simple fact you can’t deny. I honestly believe that they practice their “buy used, save the difference” mantra and I believe that’s partially why they don’t have financial struggles, but let’s be honest here: That show makes them a lot of money, and so do their books, their meet-ups and their visits on multiple conferences each year. Did you realize that Jim Bob rarely ever seems to “go to work” in a traditional sense? He’s almost never really “busy”. He has lots of time to spend with his kids and wife. And this is why I believe that the family structure and the family relations are so much better within the Duggar family than they are in a normal QF family where the man of the house has to work all day, multiple jobs, to provide the basics for his large family.

Conclusion 1: The Duggars actually have time for their kids.

Let’s look at the way they dress: The Duggar girls aren’t dressed in an old-fashioned way. All of them wear pretty, modern clothes. I know that they say they buy only at thrift shops, but I think they’re talking about the upper-class thrift shop here. Not the ones with really outdated clothes for very little money, but the ones were you can find clothes from the latest seasons of fashion. Of course, this costs more. Not as much as new but this difference is a big deal for the normal QF family. The Duggars needn’t sew their own clothes or alter old clothes, they can buy fitting, modern stuff. Another point in the dressing issue is that not every QF girl is allowed to wear this type of stuff. I remember getting into a big discussion with my parents if jeans skirts and shirts were ok. In some families this isn’t possible, it’s too worldly. Jeans is considered men’s clothing in some families (forbidden in the bible). And on top of it all, the girls don’t always wear ankle-length skirts. Sometimes they just cover their knees. Dressing-wise, I’d consider them on the liberal end of the fundamentalist dress code.

Talking about the Duggar women, let’s look at Anna Duggar. Remember when Josh and Anna were courting/engaged? Anna never wore make-up. Her hair was long and didn’t look like she ever put much work into it. Her clothes were looser-fitting and plainer. Not that she looked bad, but she looked more like a typical QF girl. Look at her now: She cut her hair to shoulder length (VERY short for QF standards!), it’s always straightened and I believe she had some highlights and color put in (she was much more blond during engagement), her make up is noticeable and beautifully done, her clothes are much more modern, colorful and tighter. Her entire personality seems happier, bubblier, more outgoing (though this could be rooted in her shyness towards camera at first). She changed from this little wallflower into a blossoming, beautiful and seemingly strong woman. She is the walking image of how great the QF lifestyle is. I really like Anna Duggar, I think she was beautiful before and still is, that’s not the point. The point is that I get the feeling that she’s supposed to be a walking commercial for the P/QF lifestyle.

Conclusion 2: The girls don’t look crazy and weird, but worldly (though modest and nice). The show depicts women rather worldly looking, but happy and fulfilled in their traditional role.

And another thing about the Duggar girls: They don’t give this submissively oppressed vibe. The interviews with them are fun, they joke around, do funny faces. They seem to be running the place, have authority over decisions and their own opinions. They aren’t weird around others, they are open, talkative and funny. They have a great way to interact with people outside the movement. They never come across as judgemental and scared. This type of behaviour simply isn’t true for many girls who aren’t allowed to be so loud and outgoing. Many QF families see this as a problem in girls, that girls should be shy, quiet and meek.

Conclusion 3: The girls portrait QF as a fun, normal, fulfilling lifestyle for every girl.

The activities of the Duggars aren’t exactly boring either. They have a huge house with tons of options for the kids, a huge garden with fun activities. They go on trips all across the world, sometimes as family, sometimes just the parents or the kids. The boys and girls are members of the local volunteer fire department. They live in a world with lots of action and fun, while it is at the same time full of purpose and meaning. They put a heavy emphasis on learning through these journeys and activities. And that’s just not possible for many normal families, even secular ones. Plus, I think the fact that the girls too are members of the fire department is very strange. I don’t know any girl who would’ve been allowed to do such a thing. It’s men’s work. And that just doesn’t add up for me. I think it’s utterly unrealistic for the vast majority of P/QF families.

Conclusion 4: The show depicts meaning through fun, exciting activities and doesn’t show the boxes of men’s and women’s activities (like it would be the case in a normal P/QF family).

Probably the biggest minus of this show is that it doesn’t show actual problems and struggled in the matter of family and/or spousal relations. There are no glimpses of how the kids are “trained” or disciplined, neither are there fights between Jim Bob and Michelle. Everyone seems to be so close, so happy with each other, never getting into a serious fight. It’s not shown HOW the Duggars resolve conflict, between kids, kids and parents or between just the parents. Life looks peaceful and filled with joy and mutual respect and understanding. I don’t even believe there is much fighting in this family, after all they are well off with little worries for money, so not that much to fight about. The only struggle shown in the show was Michelle’s last pregnancy, and that was handled with almost inhuman strength and understanding from every member of the family. They make it look easy and natural when in reality that’s simply not true for most families. The show entirely ignores the struggles and fears of wife dealing with submission, child discipline, overwhelming amount of duties and so on. To the outsider, or to a person who’s playing with the thought of following the fundamentalist teachings, this show is extremely appealing.

Conclusion 5: The show doesn’t talk about struggles and problems with people in their “biblical” role and between people within the families. With God’s help, it seems, everything is easy and good.

Looking at this short and incomplete list of things that simply don’t appear in reality, I can no longer wonder why ex-P/QF people have such a hard time being accepted as abused. People have this beautiful image of the Duggars in mind and of course wonder “What was so bad about that lifestyle?”. They say things like “Get over it, let it go” because they don’t know how life REALLY is in the QF movement. I think the Duggars are to be seen as their very own version of QF and shouldn’t be used as example for all QF families, but that’s hard to understand for outsiders. I’m glad the Duggars seem to have found a way to get it to work more or less, but it makes us others, from families where nothing worked, look like whiney girls raving on about something that wasn’t as bad. And that, in my opinion, is an image in desperate need for a reality-check and some change.

Training up this child – Part 18 – A new day dawning

I’m sorry for such a big delay. The last few days have been so incredibly busy for me! I had a lot of work to do and well, things that happen in a normal life just happen I’ll be keeping you updated!

Harry and I just kept standing there, looking at the pretty surroundings, not letting go of each other’s hands. After a few minutes, he pulled me towards the house. “Come on, I think I need to get going!” He made a funny sad face and we walked back to the house. My parents were outside waiting for us. I could see my dad’s eyes, how he squeezed them together more and more, how he made a sour face from which I was able to tell that he didn’t approve of the hand-holding. My mother just looked at us, surprised but not angry. “Since when is it ok to hold hands?” my dad barked. “Well…” Harry stuttered, “since Lisa and I decided to go a step further in our relationship…”. My dad’s face turned from a slight angry red to another shade, one between tomatoes and red beet. “I don’t approve of that type of physical relationship.” I got very annoyed and I simply felt sorry for Harry being in trouble for something I initiated earlier. “Dad, you don’t have to approve because there’s nothing to approve. You didn’t mind Harry playing Tag with the girls, he touched all of them and there were no concerns about their purity. This is nothing. Just quit that double standard.” I pulled Harry by his hand towards the house, leaving my dad standing, like he wasn’t sure what to say, or simply decided to delay the trouble until Harry was gone. “Come on Harry, you still need to pack some stuff. I’ll make you a snack for the drive home.”

We went inside where we finished up packing and getting Harry ready for the drive. When we said our goodbyes at his car, he grabbed my hand with both of his for a second and squeezed it.

Back inside, my dad pulled an act that was typical for him: Let’s call it “Let them suffer in silence”. It’s one of his favourite bits that he liked to pull with everyone on occasion. He usually just sits some place, like the sofa, quiet, staring, shushing people around, staring at his victim and, perfectly timed, shaking his head only very slightly when the victim looked in his direction. When I was smaller, I would try to please him as hard as I could. The silence was terrifying for me and my siblings, the feeling of really having disappointed him and God. We actually prefered being beaten over the silence, because after a beating, it would be over and normal again, while the silence could last for days with no clue what the outcome of it would be.

And after about two hours of the silence, I lost my temper. My entire body was burning with shame, regret and the feeling that I had treated Harry wrong. Not because we were holding hands, but because I felt like he loved me on a very different level. All of it was too much for me and I was close to tears. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Dad, you can stare at me all you want, I’m not going to apologize. You have pushed this relationship all along, now you deal with the fact that it’s actually turned into a relationship. It doesn’t say ‘You shall not hold hands’ in the bible.”

“It says CHILDREN OBEY YOUR PARENTS and I DID NOT ALLOW YOU TO HOLD HANDS!” he yelled.

“I obeyed you the entire weekend. Actually, all I did was obeying you. You want me to marry Harry, now I’ll tell you what, he told me that he thought I was the wrong one because I showed so little affection. Now he’s sure I’m the right one and you get your wedding and me out of the house, so I’m obeying all you ever said about my relationship and this is all I’m going to say.”

With that, I left the room to hide somewhere safe to cry at. My mom, who was running around the house, cleaning and tidying, only caught pieces of all this. After a while, she found me crying in my room. She sat down next to me, hugged me and just let me cry.

“Are you crying because of Dad?” she asked.

“No, not really.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“All I was supposed to do was love Harry. Before I wasn’t good enough, and now that I’m doing what everybody wants, it’s not good enough either. What am I supposed to do with everything?”

“Sweety, I don’t think it’s that bad you held hands. You’re close to an engagement anyway. I’ll talk to dad and try to make him understand. Now get some rest, then clean yourself up and join us for dinner.”

She hugged me again, smiled and left the room. Her words were still burning in my mind. Close to an engagement… I always knew this was the goal, but now that the time came closer with huge steps, I felt like a hamster in a cage, trying to run, but really, you’re not going anywhere. Life is going to happen, whether you like it or not. And nothing I could do would stop that.

Training up this child- Part 17 – I want to hold your hand

This chapter has been particularly hard for me to write. Up to this day, I’m ashamed of what I did to a good person, out of a fanatic belief that only my “biblical” way was the right way. I realize that none of this was actually biblical. I have apologized many times to the person and I apologize again here to him as well as to everybody who feels like me, that a terrible thing has been done and the pain probably can’t be fixed.

While I was sitting on the couch with Tiffany, I slowly formed a plan. I was convinced Beth was wrong, and even more, I was convinced that she tried to pull me into her world of sin. She might just be so sinful that she herself wanted company in her sorry state. I felt like I needed to prove her wrong, no matter the cost. I was so hurt and confused, feeling betrayed by the only person I ever felt I could trust in. I gathered my emotions from Tiffany’s living room carpet, stuffed them into my little box and locked it up tightly. The only thing I decided to keep out was betrayal.

After I went home, I quickly excused myself from family life in order to pray and study. I sat down with my bible, rereading the passages which usually put me back into place over and over. Praying frenetically. I simply needed to prove Beth wrong. I needed to love Harry. And the way I figured out was the only way I ever learned about love: Love is actions, not emotions.

I started pacing things up with Harry. I wanted to prove, by actions, that I did in fact, love him. My first step was to call him more often. I chewed on my parents until they would allow me half an hour each day. They were a bit sceptic at first, but seeing that things were moving closer to engagement and marriage, they finally gave in. The first few days, Harry didn’t comment it at all but seemed very pleased. After a week or so he finally asked me why I called him that often. I had waited for that question like a predator for its’ prey. “Well, because, you know, I like talking to you. A lot. I just want to hear your voice more often.” He went quiet but somehow, through the silence, I could hear his excitement. He was very cheery after that, laughing a lot, telling a lot of funny stories. I laughed like I had never heard anything funnier. Manipulative? Yes, a lot. That’s what you get from raising your kids to be emotional nutjobs.

The following weekend Harry visited again, for the first time without his family. Due to lasting stress with Beth, they wanted to stay at home, settling things. Harry had gone through a fight to be allowed to stay at my house for a night.

We had quite some fun on that weekend and I had prepared a number of things (actions) that I could do to show him my “love”. I made a very special snack for him. You need to know that my mother actually isn’t American but an immigrant and I know how to cook a lot of stuff from her home. He was ecstatic, a huge smile on his face while eating, not getting enough of telling me just how good of a chef I am.

After that, we spent some time doing garden work which he helped me with, lots of talking and just sitting around with my siblings, playing games. In retrospective I have to admit, these times were bliss for me too. The fact that he was alone there and everything went great made me feel… right. I felt so superior to Beth with her boyfriend, living in some what I imagined could only be a rat hole, probably doing things I couldn’t even imagine.

One of my sisters, a very wild, energetic personality, came up with the idea that we should play Tag outside. We all agreed and went outside to play. It was a beautiful evening with warm, orange light shining. Harry was just great with kids, giving everybody the chance to tag him and acting extra slow to make the slower runners feel good about themselves. It was a lot of screaming and laughing going on. There was somewhat of a silent agreement that Harry and I wouldn’t tag each other as we weren’t allowed to touch at all. Whenever either of us was tagged, the other didn’t run but stand somewhat in the middle watching. I ended up being tagged (the smaller ones always tagged either Harry or me) at some point, kind of out of breath, standing in the middle holding my sides and watching over the field of giggling siblings running close and off again. Harry stood a step or two from me, obviously not in the least out of breath. I decided to do something wild, knowing that both of my parents were neglecting to watch us. I took a step to the side and just slightly brushed Harry’s arm with my palm. He looked at me somewhat shocked. Not sure what to do. “Well Harry, I’m guessing I just tagged you…” and ran off with the smaller ones. It took him a moment to realize the situation and he started laughing again, chasing the smaller ones down, making funny noises for them.

As dinner was ready, we ate together and spent some time with a short bible study. As it was getting dark outside and my mom brought the kids into bed, my dad got busy doing some more (unnecessary) garden work in order to be able to watch me and Harry while we sat outside in the garden on a bench. We just watched the sun set and the stars rise, not talking at all. I thought about the day we spent together. We had a great time and Harry was everything a woman could ask for and more. And he seemed to love me. For the first time ever I realized that I actually did care about Harry. It was what I today can only consider a form of love like you love somebody you admire their qualities. A person who’s your friend with qualities you wish your lover had, but that person isn’t quite your lover, if that makes sense. After what must have been an hour we went to bed.

The next morning was quiet and calm. We went to church, something we did only on occasion when my dad thought the sermon was good for us. We ate lunch and Harry still had some more hours left before he had to drive back home.

Sunday was relaxing day and I managed to convince my parents to let Harry and me take a walk on the field at the back of our house. They could still see us from the garden and after some objections agreed.

We walked around talking about this and that, plans for future visits, his schedule at work, when the best time for our phone calls were. At some point he looked around as if he was trying to make sure nobody was watching us too closely. He lifted his hand to stroke a bit of my shoulder. “You’re tagged. It’s your turn to say something now.” he said. I didn’t get what he wanted from me at all but I tried to come up with something. “I really enjoyed the weekend. It was great getting to spend so much time talking. Doesn’t work with all the siblings around like usually.” We both went quiet and the silence felt uncomfortable to me. I touched his arm and said “Tag, your turn now.” He smiled and went on talking about the snack I had made and how much he was hoping that he’d always get good food like that. We stopped walking was the way before us would have been our of sight for my parents. Looking around again, he took my hand and I felt for the first time how hard his skin was, worked down hands, now sweaty from what I can only guess what his nervousness. He looked at my fingers in his hand, fiddling around on them with his thumb. “You know, you have pretty hands. I like pretty hands on women. I was really doubting if this courtship was a great idea. I liked you before but you always seemed distant, like you had a hard time dealing with me. And now it’s so different.” “Yes” I said because it was really the only thing I could say. “Was it because of my family?” he asked me. “It’s always because of the family. Everything is because of the family.” I figured that was a smart way to avoid a real, honest answer. “Do you love me?” he wanted to know. I thought about it for a moment and came up with the only answer possible for a woman in the movement. “It’s not my job to go hunting for you, confessing and asking things a man should confess and ask.” He nodded and said “Well, I do.” I nodded and smiled but didn’t know what to say. After what felt like minutes, I blurted out the only definition I could come up with. “I call you a lot. I like talking to you. I made you a snack and I will do that and a lot more if we get married. So what do you think?” And poor Harry, who grew up believing just the same crap about love, smiled, thinking that I just told him that I really did.

Training up this child – Part 16 – Call me when you’re sober

Note: All of this is written with Beth’s permission.

The moment I heard Beth’s voice, my head completely blacked out and was flooded with millions of questions at the same time. I blurted out the first question that came to my mind: “What in God’s name are you doing, Beth?”. A big sigh came from the other side as she went to explain the whole story.

Beth had been struggling with the movement for about 3 years at that point. At first, she started doubting things in the bible. Some things just didn’t make sense to her anymore. How everything set up women to be unable to deal with the real world. That women are sinful, much more than men. That they can’t really have a relationship with God but need a man for that. She started wondering why God would allow a soul to be born into such a miserable state.

She tried sharing with her family, but was immediately put down. It wasn’t her place to ask, after all, she was just a woman. Beth was disappointed that her family treated her like that. In her frustration, she turned more and more “rebellious”. She picked up friendships with people outside of the movement. They were still christians, but not radical ones. A lot of her questions seemed strange to them, even dangerous. Their thinking was much more after Beth’s taste and she slowly changed her views on many things the fundamentalist QF movement had taught her otherwise.

She didn’t want to leave her family or make them sad. When they approached her with a courtship, she submitted, hoping that it would turn out well. That it would be a man who was on her side. The opposite was true. Knowing that his daughter changed her mind on many things, that she was rebellious, her father picked a man after his taste. All other men who expressed interest in Beth were sent away, not even telling Beth that there were other guys. The man her father had picked was a maniac to say the least. Note here that I don’t want to make anybody look like a monster, I’m just telling you Beth’s version of the story. According to Beth, he had views that even the fundies considered extravagant. One of the views was that sex is never fun for a woman and if it is, you’re doing it wrong. Pleasure in sex was inherently wrong. It was to make babies, period. The wife was also to fully submit to him. That meant no arguments whatsoever. Beth said that whenever she disagreed with him, even if it was only over dinner, he told her that would have to stop once they were married. Beth came to fear the man, and rightfully so. Their engagement wasn’t romantic at all. He casually told her that he thought it was time to get married. She asked him if he was asking her to marry him, his answer was “No, I’m telling you I’ve decided to marry you.” He grew more and more possessive of her, telling her what to wear, how to wear her hair, what she could or couldn’t do. He gave her a list of skills he thought needed improvement.

During all this time, Beth was still hanging out with her outside friends as often as she could. She ended up falling in love with one of the guys from that group of friends and so did he. While she didn’t admit this at first, a few days after her engagement they ended up kissing. From that point on, she decided to leave somehow. She and her boyfriend worked out a plan where she could stay, what she could do, how they’d save her.

Once they had everything set up, Beth decided to try one last time with her family. She talked to her parents how she didn’t want to marry this guy, how she disagreed with some of their views and what she wanted to do with her life. Her dad freaked out and got all crazy-bible-verse-thrower on her. She however took the phone, dialed her fiance’s number and told the first person who picked up (his mother) that she was breaking off the engagement. Her dad was in a wild rage, screaming the worst things at her, and she screamed back. Beth had set up a time with her friend where she ould come to pick her up, so she held out through the fight until that time came. She ran out of the house and into her friend’s car, who brought her to an apartment where they could live together as roommates. She still lives there.

I was listening silently until I regained some thought. I had thought about what to tell her before I called her, and now was the time to tell her all of my thoughts. I told her how I thought she made a mistake, that there certainly was a solution, that she needed to come back and work it all out. I said she was throwing away her savior for a boyfriend who didn’t really love her – after all, he kissed her, robbed her and her future husband of her purity.

Beth got really angry at that. “You’re telling me about love? You don’t know anything about it. You’re courting my brother, and why? Because he was the first man your dad presented to you. Because my brother is a good enough guy for you. You don’t love him and we both know that. You don’t know what love is because you don’t love anybody. You’re marrying my brother because he’s good enough and that’s as far as you’ll ever get, good enough.”

That on the other hand deeply hurt me. “I DO love your brother. Harry is THE BEST man I can image as a husband. He’s NOT good enough, he is the BEST. I love him and I’m honored that he considers me a potential wife. YOU don’t know what love is because you fell for the first horny bastard who told you that you have pretty eyes.”

You’re free to join me in being surprised that Beth didn’t hang up at this point. I’m telling you, she didn’t.

“Lisa, do me a favour. Take some time and REALLY think about it. Think about love and the feelings you have for my brother. If you can make me believe that you love him, I’ll be quiet for the rest of my life. Just make sure you really test it.”

“How am I supposed to test it?” I said, in a very annoyed and hurt voice.

“I don’t know. Just do something so you can feel if he’s right for you. And then tell me about it.”

I told her that I would have the answer she wanted of me soon enough, made up an excuse to hang up and was saying goodbyes as Beth asked me “Promise you’ll call again. You know I don’t mean to hurt you.”. I agreed and hung up, sitting on Tiffany’s couch, staring once again at the wall, tangled up in my thoughts. After a few minutes of this, Tiffany came in.

“Are you finished?”

“Yeah, pretty much” I said.

Tiffany came to sit next to me, hugged me quietly and stared at the wall with me.

“Tiff, how did you know Steve was the one?”

Tiff thought about it for what must have been ten minutes, just to tell me “I don’t know. I guess you just know for sure and that’s how you know. If you know that stones are hard and the sun is yellow and that this guy is right for you, and all of those three things are equally true to you, then you know it’s the one.”

(For the curious readers: Beth and her boyfriend are still together up to this point, and very happy together. They don’t have marriage plans yet. Thanks to Beth for allowing me to post this part of the story.)

Training up this child – Part 15 – Bad Connection

“Beth left the family.” Those words caused time to stand still for a moment. I my entire body started to burn with a feeling that I still can’t describe. I have heard of daughters leaving many times, but I never actually knew one until that moment. I didn’t want to know them anyway, they were ungodly sluts for me, rejecting the Lord and salvation, rejecting everything I so strongly believed in. The information Harry had just given me wouldn’t sink in for a while.

“Oh, when is she coming back?” I said. “No, Lisa, she left. She packed her stuff and moved out. We don’t know where. A girl picked her up, but she said she won’t come back.” I still didn’t get it. “Where did she go?” – “I don’t know Lisa. I really don’t. She broke off her engagement without asking anybody. Dad was unspeakably upset and they got into a huge fight, yelling terrible things at each other. She stormed off, still screaming, packed up a bag with a few things and called somebody. They kept screaming and fighting. Dad wanted to lock her in a room but I thought that was a bad idea, so I tried to settle things between them. At some point, she just stormed out of the door and ran down the street. I tried to follow her but a car with a girl showed up, she got in and they drove off.” It felt surreal. I was convinced that Harry knew where she was, or that she would come back, but decided not to hurt him by asking again. I later found out that my thoughts were completely wrong and Harry really didn’t know anything.

I forced myself to keep the conversation up for a few more minutes until I told Harry I needed to help my mother out. As soon as I hung up, I went upstairs to the girls room, sitting on my bed, staring at the wall.

I just didn’t understand. Why did she leave? Where was she? Why didn’t she tell me? Wasn’t I her friend? I felt so betrayed, left back, angry at Beth for throwing away everything the Lord had blessed her with. The entire evening was a fight to get through. Fighting tears, fighting anger, fighting fear. I spent a lot of time reading my bible, marking verses that clearly proved to me that Beth was wrong, in rebellion and that I needed to bring her back on track.

The following days were a drag. I felt like my brain cells cut off all their connections to the outside world and were doing their own thing.

After two days of this, I had a moment of enlightenment. I was in the kitchen, cleaning and scrubbing pans and pots. I could almost hear my thoughts click. The piece of paper she had given me, I finally had an idea what that was all about. It must be a phone number. Most likely the phone number of the girl who had picked Beth up. My hands started to shake, incredibly nervous about the thought that I might be able to fix everything up. I left everything standing, dried my hands and jumped upstairs. I had the piece of paper well hidden in my bible, acting like it was merely a marker for a page I found important, one piece of paper among many in my bible. My shaky, sweaty hands unfolded it to take a look at the number. I was right, it must be a phone number. The amount of digits made sense. I stuffed it into a pocket of my dress and headed downstairs into dad’s office, where our phone was. I picked up the speaker, started dialing, one number after the other. As I was about half way through, horror caught me.

This phone wasn’t safe. It saved numbers. All phone calls were on the bill. Full number, length, everything. The area code was a strange one, probably an area we never called. My dad always checked our phone bills thoroughly. He would see it, wonder who it was and call the number. My promise would be worthless. When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. Numbers 30,2. How could I call her now, from this phone? It just wasn’t possible. I folded up my precious piece of paper, stuffed it back into my pocket and hung up on the half dialed number. I sat there for a minute, trying very hard to think. I couldn’t use a public phone. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without my parents. All cellphones we had were checked through my dad. I couldn’t ask anyone from outside because everyone would tell my parents. I had no way of contacting Beth. A phone number was worthless to me.

Another few days passed. I desperately tried to figure out a way to make this phone call. I couldn’t trust anybody.

Sewing day came around and my mother dropped me off at Tiffany’s house. I tried to seem as normal as I could but I just couldn’t concentrate on anything. Tiffany quickly recognized that something was wrong. She asked me what was on my mind and after short hesitation, I figured she’d hear anyway, so I told her about Beth leaving her family. Tiffany listened without a word, and as I was finished, she said something that I didn’t expect from a member of our church: “You know, Beth is an adult. She should be able to follow her own calling, not be forced into what her parents think is good for her. You girls, I feel sorry for you. You never get to do anything remotely normal. How are you going to grow up into reasonable adults?” I was shocked. That was a very worldly thing to say, but my hopes went up. Maybe I could trust Tiffany after all. “Tiffany, if I told you that I needed your phone for a call, but I can’t tell you what for, would you let me use it? And not tell anyone you know?” Tiffany looked surprised, but smiled. “Yeah sure, go ahead. It’s in the living room.” – “Not right now. I don’t know the number. But next time I will. If that’s ok.” Tiffany agreed and told me I could use her phone whenever I wanted to. “I wanted you to be a bit more normal all along anyway. Call your friends whenever, I’ll be quiet. I know that your family wouldn’t be happy about it.”

The next few days again were a blurry mix of anxiety, fear, hope and excitement. I couldn’t wait to get back to Tiffany’s house. The day came around and I checked many times if I had really put the number in my pocket, if it really was the correct piece of paper, if the number really was still on there. Tiffany welcomed me as always. I didn’t want to be impolite, but my emotions got the better of me. “Can I make that call right now?” I asked as soon as I heard my mother drive away. “Sure. Do you want anything, coffee, cookies, cake?” I asked her for a coffee and some cookies, hoping they would come in handy and call me down. I sat down next to the phone, waiting for I don’t know what. The courage I guess. Tiffany came into the living room. “Are you done already?” she looked at me puzzled. “No, I didn’t call yet.” Tiffany looked surprised. “You DO know how a phone works…?” she asked. She was serious. I cracked up laughing. “Yes I do! Of course! I’m not living on the moon!” “Ok, just making sure”, she giggled. She told me she wanted to do some laundry quick and left the living room.

Silence all around me. I pulled out my piece of paper, straightened it out, making sure I could read every digit correctly. I picked up the phone and started dialing. Very slowly. Held the speaker to my ear. I hear a click. Another one. It was ringing. Ringing. Ringing. Again. Then somebody picked up. A girl. I didn’t know that voice. “Hello?” she said. “Yes. Hello. This is Lisa. I’m calling because I’m looking for someone.” I didn’t dare say Beth’s name, fearing I might be doing something wrong and breaking my promise. “You looking for Beth?” She said. “Yes.” “Just a minute, I’ll get her for you.” “Thanks” I said. Silence. The girl calling Beth’s name in the background. Beth asking what’s up. “It’s that girl you’ve been talking about.” Steps getting closer. Beth picked up the phone. “Hey Lisa, wow, I didn’t expect you to call that soon!”

Training up this child – Part 14 – The Vows Go Unbroken

The days and weeks passed by and things went the way they always went. Tiffany and I became good friends, especially with me going to her place on my own more often. I was working on my housekeeping skills and progressing. My parents were relatively satisfied with me. Harry too grew happier and happier. I was recognizing that he started to make real plans for our future. He was planning to rent a house the next year, looking into buying property and even asked me for my opinions.

The weekend where Harry and his family came to visit came around. We prepared the house as we always did and I was actually looking forward to it. I was looking forward to seeing Beth, hearing her engagement stories, I was looking forward to Harry, who I began to like in a friendly way, though it was far from love. I was still hoping that magically I’d be crazily in love at some point.

As the family arrived, the good mood at our house changed. Something was wrong with Harry’s family, but I couldn’t tell what it was. We welcomed them, the kids were sent playing, the men went to discuss in the living room and the women and older girls of both families went ahead to do some cooking and preparing for tonite’s dinner. Beth hardly talked, but her mom and my mom went chattering away. When we were finished with the preparations and weren’t needed in the kitchen anymore, us older girls were dismissed to look after the children. As we were about to leave the kitchen, Beth’s mom told her that they forgot something in the car, asking her to get it. Beth went outside. Her mom held me back from leaving, talking quickly. “Lisa, listen, you and Harry are having such a good relationship with each other, and Beth is having somewhat cold feet. Could you talk to her and reassure her?” Of course I agreed, now eager to find out what Beth’s worries were. Beth returned and we left for the garden.

After a few minutes of talking to the smaller ones, Beth and I sat down out of hearing distance of the smaller ones. I told Beth that I knew something was up, asking her what exactly went wrong. She said, “I’m just not sure if I should get married. I’m not sure at all.”

I started telling her that from my point of view, everything about her courtship was very biblical and seemed to be God’s plan. Beth just listened silently, nodding here and there, as I explained her how she’s doing the right thing. After a moment of silence, Beth said “I’m not in love, I don’t love him.”. I told her that she of course loved him. “You know, love isn’t this fuzzy emotion that the worldly people talk about. Love is so much deeper, it’s God’s plan and doing everything he tells us. You’d be a great housewife and mother. You’d love him.” I was still defending that love was only actions, not emotions. Beth again said “But I don’t love him.” I went on telling her how I thought she had been deceived and blinded by worldly impressions and that she needed time to find her path again. I told her not to throw away what God had planned for her out of some wicked heartfelt emotion.

She went quiet and so did I. Then she stared at me and said: “I need you to take a vow of friendship for me.” I was quite shocked at that. You shouldn’t vow. “What…? I can’t do that…”. Beth answered “You can, you can keep it, it’s not hard. Harry can release you from it once you’re getting married.” Beth was right, it was biblically possible for a woman to take a vow and be released from it by her husband. I was ready to listen to it. “So what do you want me to vow?”. She explained: “I will give you something that you need to keep for me. You can’t tell or show anyone. If you and Harry marry, he must release you from it and you will destroy what I’m giving you. If you need it, you can use it. But only you, nobody else. And you can’t tell anybody. Can you do that for me?”. I was scared. “What is it that you need me to keep?”. “It’s just a piece of paper” Beth said. “It won’t hurt you.”

I thought about it for a while. All of this seemed beyond strange to me. I couldn’t place anything Beth has said the entire day. But at the same time, I was afraid that if I did not make that promise to her, she and I would never be the same. Out of blind fear of losing my best friend, I agreed. “Ok, I promise I’ll do what you want from me.”

Beth fumbled around on her dress, and held a tiny piece of paper out to me. She said: “Vow to me that you will keep this paper secret until the day you get married. On that day, you will be released of this vow by Harry and you will destroy this paper. If you need it, you will know what it’s for.”

I said “I promise, I vow to you that I’ll do that.” She gave me the piece of paper. “Can I look at it?”. Beth smiled and said “Sure, go ahead.” I unfolded it and on it, it had nothing but a lot of numbers. “What’s these for?” I asked. Beth just smiled again and said “You’ll know when you need it.”

I stuffed the piece of paper into one of my pockets, very scared of what I just had done. I realize that this seems like a childish situation but looking back, Beth did the smartest thing she could do. She knew I couldn’t say no. She knew I would talk if I didn’t vow to keep silent. She knew I’d need it. Yup, Beth was definitely out of my league when it comes to smartness.

Dinner time came around and we all sat down on the table. Beth’s dad stood up to say the prayer for everyone. But instead, of just saying a prayer, he gave us a small speech. It went something like this:

The devil is after us. He’s trying to win our souls over, away from God. He comes when we don’t expect it. Even in the midst of godly families like ours, he sows his seed and comes to reap. As you know, women are especially easy for him to win over. That’s why he mainly attacks women. Young women.

Just a few days ago, I heard of yet another family whose daughter has left to live in the world, to delight the devilish seed of sin inside herself with a worldly life, filled with abuse, fornication and drugs. It breaks my heart to see godly daughters turning into women of the world, leaving the narrow path God is showing us. We aren’t safe either. Let’s pray for the lost daughters, that they may be freed from their sins and evil desires to return back to their families and live the life God has planned for them.

This wasn’t a very uncommon thing to pray about. We heard of many daughters who left their families. In our minds, they committed a terrible sin and needed all the prayers they could get. It didn’t raise any suspicions in me.

Our family meeting was relatively quiet for the rest of the weekend. Harry and I spent a lot of time talking, Beth kept rather silent. I was still confused and puzzled when they left.

 

A few days later, Harry and I had one of our phone talks. He sounded strange and tense. “Harry, you sound bad. Are you feeling ok?” I asked. He answered “Yes, well, I’m not sure, we’re just having family problems.” I didn’t want to be nosy so I told him I was there to listen if he felt like talking. He went silent and then said “You’re right, you’re almost family too. Well, yesterday, there was a huge fight at our house. Beth left the family.”

Training up this child – Part 13 – Harry oh Harry

I realized that though I have been talking a lot about my courtship, I haven’t been saying much about a very important person in the whole thing. Harry!

For one, that is because for one, I don’t want to talk bad about Harry in any way. He doesn’t deserve that. Let me draw a clearer picture of him for you.

As I said, Harry was very bold. But not really in a loud, annoying way. While I was like my mother, quiet, shy, liked to be part of the flock and not jump out in any way, he was outgoing, he often took over leadership, loved to settle fights between the small ones and was always first to ask if anybody needed him for anything. That type of personality rubbed me the wrong way, I just didn’t really enjoy being around such a strong personality. I’m not saying it’s a bad one, it’s just not my type.

Quiet people very easily felt ordered around by him. But he didn’t mean to. He told me, and I think he’s right about it, that when nobody takes charge of being the leader in a game for example, everything goes wrong and it’s no fun. If nobody dared to speak up, he was the one to jump in. He never did it in a know-it-all way. He was loving, gently explaining what’s to do.

Beth told me that Harry was like his dad and in a way this might be true, but that’s not how I experienced him. Yes, he was a leader, but not a tyrant. Much later I told Beth that I still think very highly of her brother, and she agreed that she might have drawn a black and white picture. Looking at Harry today, I can see his father but in a very different way. Harry was and is just as much of a victim of the fundamentalist system than I was. I know he suffered very much through me and both families involved. I wish I could have stopped that, but the things that happened between us had to happen.

During our courtship, Harry was very sweet. While he was a bit strange at the beginning (or maybe that was me), he developed into a friend and a very charming, gentle person. He was a good listener just as much as he understood getting me to talk. As our courtship advanced, he seemed to understand me much better than at the beginning and turned into someone who I liked even though he had made a bad impression to me at first.

He was eager to learn about my opinions. He asked challenging questions. In a sense, he was like Beth. Obviously he had radical views on women which I now can’t agree with anymore, but that wasn’t until I left.

Harry did a lot trying to please me. I think he sensed that I just didn’t love him. He brought me flowers, cakes, once he even made me a wooden box that he had also painted himself which I was supposed to use as a jewelery box. Too bad I didn’t have any jewelery back then but I’ll tell you that now it’s finally serving it’s purpose.

Yeah, Harry definitely was in love with me. Not that fundamentalist “love” where only actions count. The type of love that is a sweet emotion, like a stirring inside you. The type of love Tiffany talks about.

But for me, he was just a dear friend. I respect him, but I can’t love him. I tried so hard, but apparently, that’s not something you can sit and wait for.

Thinking back, it hurts me that I just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t my type emotionally, physically, spiritually, personality-wise.

It hurts me to know that he is so hurt because of something both of us couldn’t stop. A courtship is supposed to prevent heartache but this one certainly inflicted a lot of that. And we didn’t even touch except for one occasion!

As a conclusion I want my readers to know that Harry, even though I never learned to love him, is dear to me. He taught me a lot of things and I wouldn’t trade my memories of him for the world. We might certainly not meant to be “one”, but we are the same. I’m thankful that I met him, and I’m thankful that both him and I didn’t end up trapped in a marriage where I could only hope that I would fall in love with him some day. Harry isn’t to blame for anything. He’s not a bad guy and I don’t mean to draw a negative picture of him.

Training up this child – Part 12 – A weaver’s reverie

Though Beth was out of reach for a while as she was staying with her fiance’s family, the next days and weeks were blissful to me. My mother was sure my courtship with Harry would end in marriage. She adored him. And rightfully so, he was (and is) a sweet guy. My mother was excited to finally have a daughter whom she could share her wifely secrets with.

Though I had always chores to do around the house, such as cleaning, laundry and cooking, she now wanted to “really” prepare me for my future as a wife. She started actively cooking food with me. Between the steps she asked me questions how I would solve a problem, such as “If you accidentally overcooked the potatoes, what would you do? How can you avoid throwing them away?”. When doing laundry, she explained different stains to me and what detergent to use on them, how to get them out and how much of an emergency it was. She made sure I knew what cleansers to buy once I was on my own. How many socks, shirts, pants a man needs to have in his closet.

I don’t know if you can tell by my writing, but I actually enjoyed that time very much. It was very private, one on one time with my mother. I had never gotten that much attention since my siblings were born. And on top of that, for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough for my parents. I felt like I was actually pleasing everybody in the house.

My mom went on praising me when dad came home for dinner, saying that I was truly turning into a biblical woman and wife. I was unspeakably proud, hoping they would pass it to Harry’s parents as it could get me bonus points.

But there was one thing my mom couldn’t teach me, and that was sewing. She wasn’t terrible, but she never got into it. She didn’t like it. My mom thought it might be very useful for me to pick up some sewing skills, considering I would certainly have many kids with lots of clothes to fix. She talked to my dad about it, who agreed it was a good idea. They decided to ask a woman at a church we went to if she could teach me some sewing skills. That woman, Tiffany, was 27 and married. She was a very nice woman, but the family wasn’t overly active at church. She had been married for three years but had only one child. But my parents thought it might be good for me to talk about marriage with somebody younger than my mom, somebody whom they still considered newly wed. We asked Tiffany at church and she agreed to teach me.

From then on, two days a week my mom and I would go over to Tiffany’s house and learn sewing. Tiffany is a real craftswoman. Her house is beautiful, incredibly beautiful. She actually is so good at sewing that she makes most of her stuff herself. She made covers for her chairs and couch, her own pillows that she creatively decorated with old colorful buttons and different colored bands and such. She showed us her beddings, which were lovely, her aprons which were so pretty that she sells them online. She even made her own stuffed animals, but she said it was more fun for her to make aprons and beddings so she made those stuffed animals only for gifts. Her creativity was endless. Her entire house was decorated with so much love and passion. I remember staring in disbelief at a pair of old, worn-out working boots standing in the bookshelf. In those boots she put blooming colorful flowerpots. I thought it was weird at first but learned to love the style. You can probably tell by now how much I still admire Tiffany

Not only was she a role-model for me creativity-wise, but her marriage seemed so happy to me, almost surreal. We met her husband, Steve, a bunch of times when we were over, and he was the sweetest, funniest man I had ever met until that point. When he came home, he was in a good mood, always a joke on his lips. One time, he came home and brought Tiffany flowers, with the words “for the prettiest woman in the entire world!”. When he saw us, my mother and me, he acted all embarrassed but then pulled out two single flowers and gave them to us, saying that we were not quite as pretty as his wife, but still very pretty. That upset my mother, she thought it was indecent and rude of him to give us flowers, and I for my part didn’t know how to react, but somehow the flower meant a lot to me. I knew Steve loved his wife and didn’t love me, but I felt so appreciated and honored. Of course, I’d never admit that to my mother.

Steve and Tiffany were so much fun to watch. When they were together, they’d throw each other meaningful looks, kiss and hug a lot, sometimes whisper and giggle. They were obviously deeply in love. Even though I found it kind of rude to display this sort of behaviour in front of guests, it was the first time I started to question love. I had never seen a behaviour like that in my family. For me, a wife had to be a dutiful servant, having dinner ready and being submissive and obedient. Tiffany was different, she played jokes on Steve, teased him and she didn’t even have dinner ready. Even worse, sometimes he cooked for the family! And he seemed to be genuinely happy. It didn’t make much sense to me. What was it that made those two people act like that?

The weeks went by, our sewing skills improved and Tiffany was happy and bubbly as ever. The day came where my mother had something else to do than go to Tiffany’s, but she let me go alone anyway, at this point trusting that Tiffany wouldn’t have a terrible influence on me. I was excited and nervous to go there alone. I was afraid that it would be different and I would act weird and everything would end up being a strange situation, but it wasn’t. I had a great time with Tiffany alone, and with my mother gone, she talked even more about things younger women care about. How she met Steve, how they got together and so on. I had a blast. While I was there, Steve came home, happy as ever. He got to business right away and started cooking dinner while Tiffany and I were still working on an apron I made. Time came around dinner was ready and they asked me if I had to go quickly or if I wanted to stay for dinner. I knew my mom was busy for another while and not at home, so I thought I might as well stay. This wasn’t allowed obviously, and dad would have been really angry to find out about it, but the temptation to have some more time with this happy couple and feel like “being part of it” was just too big. I stayed and had a great time. Steve made spaghetti and they were perfect. I found out that he was a passionate cook, much better than his wife. He told me that he loves to make food for people, something he made with his own hands that others enjoy, something that makes his wife happy and comfortable. This man was just too strange to be real.

After dinner, I packed up my sewing materials and Tiffany drove me home. My dad wasn’t home yet luckily, but my mom was. She was cooking dinner as I came in, asking me why I stayed away for such a long time. I lied to her, saying that I messed up on my apron and didn’t want to leave without at least opening up the seams I got wrong so I could try again next time. This satisfied her enough to keep quiet. As my dad came home we started eating dinner. Boy, that was hard. I was so full with Steve’s good food that I had a hard time eating enough of my mom’s food as to not raise any suspicions. I tried to swallow the bites with as little chewing as possible.

My mom was pleasantly surprised with the way things went, me going out alone to Tiffany’s house. She decided that from now on, whenever she couldn’t come, I would be allowed to go alone. This opened up new options to me and I started thinking about Tiffany’s marriage. I wanted to know what it was all about, her happiness and all that. I came up with a bunch of questions to ask her next time I was alone with her. In my head, that seemed fine. After all, I was preparing for marriage and needed advice from older people. I had a hard time falling asleep, still quizzing how I could be as happy as Tiffany.

Read the previous part here, or the next part here.

Training up this child – Part 11 – Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

Maybe 2 or 3 weeks after Beth and I had this conversation, Harry’s family came to visit us again. I had thought about what Beth said during the time since her last visit. I had planned to talk to her about it again, find out what she really meant by what she said and clear out misunderstandings. However, I didn’t get the chance.

Once Harry’s family came in, I looked around to see Beth, anxious to greet her, but she wasn’t there. Instead of my usual quietness, I quickly walked over to Harry’s parents. “Where’s Beth?” I asked, but I didn’t get an answer. Her dad, my soon-to-be-father-in-law said: “We have an announcement to make about that. We’ll tell you later.” I got nervous. Did something happen to her? But then it dawned to me that as Beth was also courting, she might just be visiting her soon to be new family. Either way, she wasn’t here and I was sad.

I got talking to Harry for a bit, who couldn’t help but praise his sister for a while, that he was happy she found such a good partner and so on. I listened with only half an ear. Thoughts were racing in my head. I HAD to know what she meant in our last conversation.

When we sat down for lunch, Harry’s dad stood up, raising his glass for the announcement. He gave a small speech which I don’t remember in detail, but here’s roughly what he said:

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ. As all of you know, the Lord has blessed our beloved daughter Bethany by leading her into a courtship with John. As of last Wednesday, Bethany and John became officially engaged. Bethany agreed happily, and we are excited to plan the wedding from now on.

But Bethany isn’t the only one I want to praise today. The Lord has also blessed our families to be connected by a courtship between Lisa and Harrison. I can’t express just how thankful I am to the Lord that Harry has found such a jewel, whom we are sure is going to be our daughter in law soon. She truly displays the qualities of a virtuous woman. I can’t wait to see where this path leads us but I’m sure everything is God’s plan and will happen in His perfect timing.

Following that, he spoke a prayer. I felt strange after hearing all of that. Beth engaged? Did she not say how much she wanted a different man for a husband? I was confused to say the least, but still very happy. After all, she was my friend and I wanted her to be happy. And besides that, my plan to live a happy live close to hear just got one step closer.

I know it might sound very obsessive to you and maybe you’re even questioning my gender preferences but you have to understand just how lonely I was. My sisters were all younger than me, not being old enough to court yet, so I felt they didn’t understand this phase of life. Among all those people in the house, with all the work that was going on, I still felt very very lonely. Beth was my only connection to a world that I felt could understand me.

If I thought of my marriage without Beth around, it would just be as dark as my teen years. I knew Harry was very much like his dad, not wanting contact with the world or many others for that matter. Family was family and friends were only a minor need. He wouldn’t allow me a friend outside the family whom I could regularly meet, fearing that they might corrupt me. His view on women, just like my dad and his dad’s view, was that we were easily led into sin by every influence outside of their authority. If I could have at least Beth, my future marriage actually seemed bright to me.

Read the previous part here, or the next part here.

Honor your parents

Ever since leaving, and also during the hard weeks before I made that step, I have been told over and over and over to honor my parents as scripture commanded me to. What I did wasn’t considered honoring my parents. It was a very tough time for me as I used to be one of the loudest girls judging others for rebellion, for not honoring their parents. Now I was in their place. What was I supposed to do? Supposed to think?

If it wasn’t for friends outside the movement, I’d have never been able to make that step. To honor your parents is something that you grow up with, something they were eager to beat into you, be it by spiritual, emotional or physical abuse. Not honoring your parents could be something as small as not immediately jumping up and coming when they call your name. It meant you’d be beaten.

Can you imagine the struggle of somebody who believes it’s dishonoring your parents to not immediately come when called now trying to leave the house and their authority? I don’t want to shower myself here, but I’m going to say that this is something not everybody managed to get through, and I my highest respect goes out to all the girls and women, and obviously boys and men too, who have done it.

You have pretty much no chance to do it without the help of outsiders. This can be as little as an online blog, but obviously live friends to stand behind you literally are the best that can happen to you and I’m thankful I had one, because blogs only wouldn’t have done the job for me.

My dear friend who helped me get out never grew tired of repeating the same thing over and over, making sure I didn’t get totally lost. She kept telling me that honoring my parents didn’t equal blindly obeying every wish and word they expressed. I was my own person, I was allowed to think for myself. I was allowed to have a different opinion. That concept was so hard to grasp.

I don’t mean that you can openly insult your parents or any person for that matter. But calmly and friendly disagreement is something normal, not something that dishonors anybody.

I love my family, yes we had our fights and mistakes, I did feel abused at times, but they are still my family, and I love them. If it was only possible to stay with them, to not break off contact and to work on it together, I would’ve done it. I still would if the actual chance came up. But that’s not how it is or how it will ever be.

I can’t change the way my parents are and they can’t change the way I am. We won’t find common ground and I learned to accept that. It is still hard, it hurts, but this is how it had to be. I wish my parents could see that I still love them and respect them, but they can’t. All they can see is my disagreement with them, my rebellion. I pray that this happens for a reason and that everything will turn out well, even though I know it possibly won’t.