After leaving “officially” leaving the christian fundamentalist scene, can you really leave it? I’ve been wondering this about myself.
From the fundamentalist side, it’s perfectly clear: You are lost. You abandoned the house of your parents, you are rebelious. You reject God’s role for you, God’s plan for you, everything God ever gave you, you threw it away. Your siblings can’t have contact with you. Your parents will only talk to you to tell you what pain you have brought upon your family. You aren’t ‘saved’ anymore. You will go to hell.
And from my side? Well, I’m not sure but I think God hates me. Or at least the things I have done. What I’m doing at the moment feels so wrong.
I feel like now, I’m not on the narrow path anymore. The narrow path, with its stifling pressure and expectation. I always knew how to follow this narrow path. I knew every detail that could cause a step to the side.
I’m not on the narrow path anymore. The path that seemed so secure, being the only light in what I thought was a dark forest full of scary monsters, rapists, drugs, sex, rebelion and loud music. That narrow path was so easy to find! But not so easy to keep.
I’m on a wide road. On every side of me, there’s somebody walking. I’m not in the forest anymore. A wide, large road in the desert. Where does it begin? Where does it lead? Even though I feel like I can see so far, I still don’t know what’s coming my way.
This wide road, where so many others walk by my side. Who’s way will I cross? On the narrow path, there weren’t that many people who would be able to cross it. Now I’m out in the wild.
I can’t go forward just yet. The road is so scary to me, so full of people who I have been told are way off the narrow path, and they are. Now I’m one of them, yet I can’t move. But I also can’t go back to the narrow path anymore.
The travellers on the narrow path have planted roses on the sides. It looks beautiful. Inviting. A path, with no wiggling space to the left or to the right, how amazing!
When I left the narrow path, I had to get through the roses. What I thought to be beautiful flowers turned out to be a vicious net of pain and blood. I’m so scratched up, I can’t walk any further just yet.
But going back on the narrow path? Through the roses again? No, thanks.