The last four posts about my life were focusing on single topics and events during my childhood and early teens. I want to summarize some things really quickly before I move on to the late teen and courtship phase of my life.
All in all, I didn’t have a horrid childhood. It was far from perfect and I had some serious struggles, but when I entered the courtship age, I didn’t feel “damaged”.
I had, and have, lovely siblings. I love them all so much. I have so many sweet memories of them that I might tell one after the other in different posts, as I feel they don’t really belong to this topic.
Having many siblings was painful on one side, exhausting, stressing. But it didn’t feel that way. I was a woman, and that was my life. As a kid and teen, help mommy raise the siblings. And later, my purpose on earth would be raising the next generation. I was made to raise children. Not agreeing with that was disagreeing with God’s plan.
Having many siblings also was wonderful. I always had someone to play with. Someone who looked up to me, made me feel loved and needed. It was good.
To my parents however, my connection wasn’t as good. My mother just couldn’t care for me more than she did. She wasn’t a bad mother, she was a mother to many. Me being the oldest meant having to grow up fast and help her shoulder the different responsibilities. We didn’t have much one on one time, but I never held that against her and never will. She tried to be my mom when we did laundry together, or garden work, or cleaning the house. She is a warm, loving person.
My dad… I just can’t connect with my dad. He loved being the boss. He loved having a submissive wife. A wife so submissive that she would never disagree with him. Never fight. He told her what to do, what to wear, what to say, what to think. She was no person of her own anymore. She only existed as a piece of him, one of many other pieces. I think that while in his younger years he had some troubles with being the bold and loud master of the house, he quickly realized that he greatly benefited from it. He didn’t have to move a single finger around the house. He would come home from work and be swarmed by a group of women who would serve him everything he asked for. If he didn’t get his way, he was quick to throw the rebellious card around. Over the years, he got worse and worse, ending up being the vicious tyrant he is today. He rules over his house with a rod in one hand and a whip in the other. Fundamentalist christianity made his life easy. Domestic abuse of kids and wife are covered by religious freedom in his eyes.
The world is evil. People of the world are evil. He and his circle of religious nutheads are holy, biblical, saved. I’m now worldly, I’m lost in his eyes, but I’m far from being out of his range to terrorize me up to this day.