Broken Daughters

Picking up the shattered glass of fundamentalism

What HE must be.. if he wants to be a tyrant.


Fundamentalists love stereotypes and patterns. They have a whole bunch of them, and if you don’t fit in, it’s certainly because you’re not a very godly person. Many blogs talk about how women are forced into them but the last two days I’ve been thinking about men. I watched the men I saw around me and I came to a conclusion: Men are just as much forced into a role as women are.

So what do these “godly” men look like?

They are/have…

A leader-personality, a strong personality, physical strength, mental strength, emotional strength, spiritual strength, courage, a “maker”, a good job, problem solving skills, skills to fix up pretty much everything around the house, has the guts to lead his family, doesn’t get fooled by anyone especially not wife and kids, can voice a strong opinion, is a sexual person, faithful, loving, gentle, knowing (and controlling) his emotions, generous, can talk about his feelings with wife and kids, a great father, a great worker, a great preacher, a great husband, a great lover, a good friend, helpful, ….

I could go on and on and on but you get the point. Now where’s the bakery cause if I want a man like that, I’m sure I’ll have to bake him myself.

Fundamentalists blame feminists that they’re making pussies out of men. Yet, fundamentalists demand men to be both a manly man and an emotional genius with their wives.To be a hard worker and a great dad. To fix up the whole house and give the wife the time of her life in bed afterwards. To be courageous, yet vulnerable.

They want men to be leading a family, but not be bossy. That’s a very thin line. That infamous, so-called “servant-leader”. I’m not saying it’s impossible to be both a good friend and a good leader. But men are constantly asked to walk to line between two extremes in every aspect of life. They aren’t permitted to have a hard day emotionally. They aren’t allowed to just trust their wives and relax from all the decision-making. They must be the bread-winner for 10+ kids and still be the fun, awesome dad and amazing lover and friend for their wives.

I suffered what the fundies expected of me in the movement. And now that I’m looking back, I’m not really surprised that men suffer too. Fundie-girls ask for the perfect man. And the guys, they struggle to be the best they can, and if they dare to have a single worry in their lives, they don’t trust god, are emotionally unstable and not marriage material.

I’m not surprised that men turn into tyrants anymore. Even though both the manly and the emotional skills are expected of them, no person can fulfill both. So they chose the skills the others can see – leadership, strength, “courage”. They rule their house with a hard hand and heart in order to prove their manliness to the world. Nobody can see if he’s a gentle man, a good friend to his wife, a vulnerable servant at home. And it doesn’t even matter, because which godly person believes the blabbering of a rebellious wife trying to talk her man down?

Though men are expected to have amazing emotional skills with wife and kids, the fundies “admit” that still sex is the most important thing for a husband. Men are reduced to their sex drive. Actually, a man is nothing but a leader with a sex drive in some places. This goes as far as reducing men to beings that can hardly be called animals, unable to practice self-control. They would jump anything immodestly dressed if it wasn’t illegal – which it shouldn’t be cause hey, the slut in a short skirt had it coming her way! And yet again, practicing self-control is a female task. Control of emotions (her own), sex drive (of any men), of opinions (cause you can’t have one), of dress, of knowledge, of the ability to live on your own, the list continues.

I heard that men have two ways they should use to control their women: The rod and the phallus. Both are used to make clear to the woman that she isn’t in control of her body, but her head, the husband, is.

How would I act if I grew up learning that? That my sex drive and my bossy attitude are the two central skills that make me a man? That I should be ready to die for the woman I love, but most importantly, need to control that bitch cause I’m being held responsible by God for everything she screws up? Would I be better? Would I not be a tyrant? Would I not enjoy my private slave? Would I not be angry to be pressured into feeding her and the brood? Would I not go crazier and crazier by ignoring even the last bit of emotional life that I have left?

I think I’d be a tyrant, too.


7 thoughts on “What HE must be.. if he wants to be a tyrant.

  1. “Men are reduced to their sex drive.”

    This is SO true! There’s the assumption that men have no self control and are ruled by their penises. I have to be honest, I was a bit scared of guys my age because of all my parents’ “guys only think about one thing” talk. It’s so demeaning – to the MEN! Like, that’s all they are? Come on! Let’s shoot higher, people!

    • Haha yes it’s so stupid that all girls in the movement are scared off with that talk. I was afraid of guys too. You think stupid things like just looking them directly into their face will cause them to be sexually aroused and pull you around the next corner to do whatever with you, like they are a pack of mountain monkeys without any braincells whatsoever. A good way for parents to keep daddy the man nr. 1 in every girls life too!
      I’m STILL having a hard time talking to men though I am getting better. This mindset totally ruined my ability to tell if a guy wants to be my friend, doesn’t like me at all or has romantic interest in me. It’s all the same: crazy sex monkey – run away!!!

  2. Thanks for sharing! I’ll echo the others: so true.
    What’s disgusting is some of them won’t even let the daughters wear anything “immodest” at home for fear they’ll arouse their BROTHERS. So twisted. Guys aren’t purely pigs. They can be turned into them, though, when all they’re hearing is, “Don’t look! Don’t think this! Don’t feel that!”
    Makes me think of the line from Inception: “If I say, “Don’t think of elephants,’ what are you thinking of?” “Elephants.”

    And I love how you pointed out the self-control thing. Women are responsible for making sure the men control themselves? What?

    • Yes, the brother issues is so shocking! I read somewhere (I believe on a fundie blog) that a pair of parents was proud of their son for the following situation: The little sister (4 years or so) wanted to kiss her brother (6 years I believe) good night. The brother was raised to believe in such an extreme form of purity that his answer was: “I don’t want you to kiss me, you have to save that for your husband!” What is wrong with people?! It’s so sad. I’m glad I could at least kiss my siblings without being guilt-tripped into some twisted emotional dysfunction.

  3. Hi Lisa!

    I found your blog on a link from Joe’s (Incongruous Circumspection) blog.

    I grew up in a great family. We embraced some of the patriarchy movement, but were always taught to think for ourselves, and my parents never went down the road of tyranny, which I’ve read about and seen in the lives of others.

    However, I was exposed to some of the legalism in the movement, and the stereotypes of men where something that really wounded me as a guy. I spent most of my teenage/young adult life casting off the stereotypes, trying to show the world that I was something different. I could never be a “godly leader” in the Vision Forum/Pearl sense of the word. I am not a tyrant, period – and nothing could make me one. I never could live up to the perfect standard. And the idea that “all men think about is one thing” always made me sick. It wasn’t all I thought about, and I didn’t want people thinking that about me!

    My wife has helped me see the value of being me, and given me a level of confidence I never had before. Now I know that I don’t have to fit the stereotype to “be a good leader”. God made me to be the person I am, and my wife and I have a beautiful marriage even though we don’t fit any prefabricated molds.

    Blessings to you!


    • Hey Ben! Great to hear from a man who used to be in a legalist movement!
      I feel that men are generally ignored in the whole discussion about the evils of certain movements within christianity. Maybe that’s because a lot of men don’t (can’t) admit that it has hurt them, too. I mean, the girls are raised to believe that they are weak, emotional and controlled by their feelings, while boys are told not to cry, act tough and be a “real” boy. I think it’s very hard for a man to admit that he doesn’t fit into the roles legalists design for them. That they want something different outside of “men makes money, woman has babies and obeys”. The leaders of the movement are quick calling these men “metrosexual” or “feminized”. It’s just crazy and must be very hurtful to realize that you can’t be what they expect of you.
      I admire your strength and courage to be different in a movement where men can’t be different and I’m really glad you found a great wife who’s perfect for you!

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