Some days really have me frustrated. Some days just push my buttons and have me depressed and wondering. I’ve had a bunch of those days lately.
One of my friends got together with another friend a little way ago. They have been friends for years and just now realized it might be more between them. Of course, as this is something to be happy about, it is the hot topic nr. 1 in my group of friends. How good they are together, how happy they seem, how lucky they are to be in love with a good friend and so on. And, of course, how everybody “knew” they’d end up together eventually. Of course. I’m not jealous of their happiness, but I am jealous. That they seem to know what love is, how to define, recognize and live it.
When all my friendships here were still new and developing, my friends asked me a lot about my former life. One of the questions was “But you certainly had a secret boyfriend?!” No. “But you had a crush on SOMEBODY?” No. “But, you weren’T in love at all when you courted?” …No.
I asked them how I would know love. And they told me. Love is when you feel like you’re missing something without the other one. Love is when you can laugh and cry with that person. Love is when you can do things for the other person without worrying about yourself, your loss, your time, or what you get in return. Love is when the whole world is buring and dieing and so are you, you go looking to find that one huddled piece of person through your pain just to ease his pain. Love is, love is, love is. Lots of talk, very little hard facts. But the ultimate answer, the one that always shuts me up is: When it is love, you know it’s love. You just know.
I don’t think this helps me. If I was trying to make a fire and you would put a whole range of instruments in front of me, and only one would make fire, would I “just know” which one it is? Given, my comparison lacks a bit of logic and in fact I would be able to tell the lighter, but anyways. I can’t imagine knowing something is something when I don’t know what to look for. When I have never seen what it is. I know partially what it’s not, but I don’t believe one person will ever know what love is not in just one lifetime. Sometimes we think it’s love for a long time before we realize it’s not.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13, 4-7.
I’m afraid what my future brings in this area of my life. What if I miss out on something great because I can’t see it? Because I put it into the wrong category? What if I make the wrong decisions and end up with more hurt and damage than need be?
I understand why the people in the movement argue so strongly against emotional connections. They are scary and unpredictable. You have to blindly trust… whatever it is! It’s like jumping into really really really cold water, not knowing how deep it is and if there’s a way out.
I was told that a heartbreak is one of the worst things in the moment, but that it wears off eventually. Again this whole topic is another thing that seems filed under “Just believe it”. That’s terribly familiar. I just don’t know!
I’d love to hear you guy’s experiences, definitions, descriptions, good or bad.
PS: Talking about cold water… I love Antarctica. (Yes, I have been doing a lot of research on my own lately because it’s so fascinating! I’m hooked!)