Broken Daughters

Picking up the shattered glass of fundamentalism

I’m a cow, free at last.


As a girl you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day you look around and you see a prison and you’re on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry but something’s locking you up. Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape?

(Quoted from the movie “The good girl”)

When I watched this movie a few days ago I was struck by this opening passage. So much that I in fact paused the movie, restarted it and listened to it again. And for some reason, this very stereotypical quote from a hardly known movie made me think. And it lifted a weight from my shoulders that I didn’t even know about.

I know so very well just how you believe everything is a wonderful dream as a child. And I too know the moment of looking around and realizing – it’s a prison. I’m a cow, I’m on death row. Everybody is. I too wondered if I was the only one realizing what we were. Our deaths would come much too soon and someone would have to act, but for some reason, nobody did. The humans stared at us whenever we left our barn. They stared, made fun of our furs and claws, were shocked by our ways and always wondering why there were cows at all.

I accepted my inevitable fate. My death sentence was spoken the day I was born and no amount of pleading would reverse the decision. I took my case to the highest court, begged God himself on my knees to somehow let me out of the cage and remove my chains. God’s answer was simple: The butcher was sent to make it short and quick.

I was decorated and prepared to walk down the aisles of the slaughterhouse soon enough. I, the fearful cow, looked around at the other cows, just as chained as caged as I was. But they didn’t know. They didn’t see it. They didn’T see the blood splattered tiles on the wall, blood of hundreds and hundreds of other cows who weren’t able to escape the freezing cold deathtrap.

I saw my own death approaching with steady steps, a large knife in hand, smiling softly. “This is what you were made for” he told me. And just as he was about to swing his knife, he trembled. Let me go, I said. And to my surprise, he hesitated for a moment and his eyes told me to run for my life as long as I had the chance. And I did.

Running down the aisles, making my way to the backdoor, the other cows mooh’d and boo’d at me, threw stones, spit blood out of their half slaughtered mouths, and finally, as I could see the first flicks of sunlight at the end of the hallway, they joined together to form an unheard choir. “You are lost, you are lost, you are lost.” The steps approaching, the sound of metal banging against tiled walls, the slurping sound of dying meat dragging across the floor grew louder and louder as I finally pushed open the door and stumbled on warm, hard concrete. With a loud banging noise the door closed behind me. I looked back just to realize there was no knob on the outside, no way to get back in. From inside I could still hear the choirs, the dragging, the screaming but muted now.

I stood up just to realize that I actually had two legs and the warm breeze gently played with my flowery skirt. My bovine grimace was gone, replaced by a pointy little nose, almond-shaped eyes and small mouth with soft lips. My fur, which had subjected me to much joking from the human crowd had receded and formed a ponytail on my head. I looked at my claws, bloodied still, but now made of fragile fingers. As I started walking away from the slaughterhouse I wiped my hands clean on my dress. Not quite sure where to go, I left the slaughterhouse grounds through a little whole in the wire netting fence. Out on the sidewalk I was greeted with wild inner city traffic roaming on the streets. Cars, busses, trucks. The other pedestrians looked at my shook-up being with some suspicion, but I quickly adjusted as I walked down the street. As I reached the end of the street I saw a bus-stop. I took a seat on one of the worn down benches and waited with the other figures. Did they know what was happening right here, in the middle of the city? Had they not wondered about the cows? Had they not heard the screams?

The bus arrived, smelling of gas and city dirt, making steaming sounds as it stopped. Together with the other passengers I got in line and stepped onto the bus. The friendly old driver shot me an understanding look and asked “Where to, young Lady?”. I was speechless. Where should I go? I tried to come up with something but my mind was empty. As the first tear started flowing from my eyes, the driver said “No worries. Just sit down. I’ll take you to the train station. From there, you can decide where you want to go.” I nodded thankfully and sat down and as I did I could hardly believe the thought which flooded my mind. Free, free at last.

So, as I watched this movie and the scene unfolded in my head I couldn’t help but take a deep breath. I hadn’t realized before just how lucky I was to get out when I did. I know that, once I had been married, it would mean my death. It would have been the point of no return. I jumped off the crashing train just moments before it hit the wall. And this realization was so… amazing.


8 thoughts on “I’m a cow, free at last.

  1. Yay for you!
    Personal freedom is priceless – enjoy the day.

  2. I cannot understand how or why God in His infinite wisdom would give us such a beautiful world and bodies – only for us to ‘ignore’ or not enjoy them. Seems really churlish. Why … he would want us to ‘love and praise him’ – but only because we feared Him, and being sent to hell and damnation etc. I mean .. do YOU want your friend to like / love and be with you … using fear to do that ? Or … wouldn’t you rather your friend loved YOU for being YOU … warts and all? Wouldn’t you love your child even though it sometimes did things you didn’t like? Unconditional love … is a beautiful thing. God is Love. For me that sums it all up. Love God. Love one another. Love wildlife and animals. Love the world and the universe. Which also meant to take care of it / them / us all.

    I feel that Christ died for our sins, and our freedom. Enjoy it .. cherish it Lisa!! Much love …

  3. Lisa, you asked God to get you out of the prison, and He did. I think He got you out for a great purpose that you don’t know anything about yet, but either way, you’re speaking out against this terrible lifestyle you were forced to be a part of, warning others. You have no idea how much your information has helped me to warn some people who were close to jumping into it, and now have run the other way! The God I serve is not the god that movement serves. He’s counterfit, and seeks to destroy. The one I serve wants to heal and restore. I’m so glad you got free when you did!

  4. Wow, you are an amazing writer! This is a masterpiece.

    Have you considered adding a copyright notice to the bottom of your pages? You really should write a book some day, which could include some of these posts.

  5. Amazing analogy. It works so well but I never would have thought of it that way. Wonderful!

  6. Beautifully written. You have an amazing talent. God is already beginning to use you and your story in a powerful way. I’m still waiting on part 20! 🙂 Your story has weighed heavily upon me. I have many relatives in this type of movement but have never “understood” just how much the Word of God has been perverted. Probably because they don’t mingle with us “worldy folks” much. I’m left at a loss about what to do?? They all seem to be so “happily” going along with it..teenagers and all. Unfortunately most of my cousins have married now and continue on in the the same manner. They are beginning to have babies. It is those babies that I fear for most. Ah…what to do??

    • What to do, good question. I don’t think there’s anything you can do.
      If you act nice and try to sneak doubts in, they’ll see you as somebody they can mission to, that God sent you their way so you can finally “see the light”. They won’t even consider changing their point of view.
      If you speak out what you think, they’ll cut contact and avoid not only you but everyone who’s related or friends with you. No chance there either.
      It’s really depressing…

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