I received a comment tell me to stop asking “why”. At first I thought to myself “Easier said than done!”. I pondered it for a few days. How can I stop asking why?
In science, curiosity and the question of “why” are a central mechanism for advance. Scientists ask why all the time and then they go out to find the answer. Biologists might ask them why a plant has a certain ability. Doctors wonder what a certain chemical will do and why, and so on. And theologists? They seem to do a lot of why asking as well.
But what does that have to do with me? It’s great when a biologist finds out why a plant has a certain color. It’s great when scientists find a new cure for an illness. But at the end of the day I personally don’t care about the answer to that “why”. I enjoy the beautiful flowers and I’m happy about the medication that makes me better.
And suddenly I saw the whole point of the comment. Asking why won’t help me, personally, in this case. I’m not going to find out in this life, that’s for sure. The only thing I can do is make the best of it.
I haven’t written in so long! I was just not feeling it, I guess. A lot of things around here have changed, a lot for the better. I’m seeing things clearer now. It feels like I finally caught a glimpse of the compass I was looking for so desperately. I feel more secure where I should go next.
It’s a strange thing to say “I have a boyfriend now”, especially since that usually makes people think of that relationship in a certain way. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to elaborate every single detail of my relationship but I somehow feel the need to justify it here, simply because I don’t want people to think I’ve jumped into something physical in a moment of spiritual and emotional instability.
Daniel has been very good to me ever since we met. He has never pressured me into anything at all, not even the tiniest bit. He accepted when I didn’t want to go to the movies with him alone. He accepted the many times I asked him to leave because I thought it was inappropriate for him to stay in the house with me alone. He has never taken any physical action to “show” me his feelings. All of this was solely verbal and, I guess, emotional. When he asked me to be with him (aka be his girlfriend), he still didn’t take any steps in a physical direction. When I explained to him that I couldn’t even promise him holding hands, he accepted that as well. We were girlfriend and boyfriend without touching. Very much like a relationship in the movement, even if I hate to admit this. He agreed that I, and only I, would be the one to take directions in the physical area, be it holding hands or anything else. He was there for me whenever I needed him, being exactly what I needed. He has given up a lot of things to appeal to me, to be with me.
Because of all the respect he had for my feelings and borders I didn’t want to cross, I think that’s why I could finally trust him. I could FINALLY stop seeing him like I see every other man: a hairy, sex-obsessed, angry, authoritative monster. He still deals with the fact that he doesn’t get everything he might want in a relationship, or what people usually consider normal for a relationship. Things like sex are still very much off-limits for me and I do not know for sure yet just how my values are on this. I know some will see red flags in this sentence again but really, I can’t fall back into this legalistic mindset again where i say “not before marriage” or even “definitely before we get married”. I don’t know and I don’t worry about that now. I know Daniel of course would like that (after all, he’s still human), but he ensured me that he doesn’t mind waiting on me as long as he needs to. I told him it might be years and he said that was fine. I don’t know if he really caught the meaning of that, maybe he’s got this blinded by love thing going on, but right now I could care less.
If I lock myself up in a cage, in a tower, where nobody can get to me, nobody can hurt me, nobody can get to know me, where I will always be set apart from the rest, then what did I leave the movement for?
The truth is: I want to be in a relationship at this point. I want to know what it’s like. I’m excited about it. I’m still too… too shocked, too shy, too burned to do stupid things and easily trust others, even Daniel, to easily give away pieces of me that can be used to hurt me a lot at this point. It’s got nothing to do with a fundamentalist mindset anymore, though. I realize I’m still in a process of growing to be myself. I don’t want to damage this process by making some silly mistake, but if I never risk anything at all, I don’t think I can even finish the process.
And out of these terrible times, I suddenly see something great developing. Pain, a broken heart in so many ways, fear. But also – a friend, someone who seems to genuinely love me, coming to my house to cook spaghetti with me and watch a movie afterwards. Someone who will hug me, kiss me on the forehead and make me popcorn. Get a blanket for me when I’m cold. Between pain and joy, brokenness and happiness, desperation and stillness I suddenly found something else: Life. I’m so alive in every way.