Broken Daughters

Picking up the shattered glass of fundamentalism

Thank God I’m not there yet

7 Comments

I’ve written before that I often look at girls younger than me, feeling jealous that they are so free and happy. For the last two or three weeks however, I find myself looking at women my age, or maybe a bit older, specifically the married ones and the ones with little children.

I see young women carrying around babies of about six months or a year of age and it just hits me every time: That could’ve been you. That is what you were supposed to be. I’m not saying that they look sad or anything, quite the opposite (i hope!).

I look at them and I realize more than ever that this would be reality for me! I find myself wondering: Would I have one by now or just be pregnant? Would I already have a second on the way? Would I look this happy on the outside too?

Whenever these thoughts come to my mind I smile. Not because I’m thinking of the child(ren) I could have by now but simply because of the fact that I don’t have them! I thank God that this fate did not hit me. I know people say that once you have a baby, you’ll love it and be happy to have it. I just can’t imagine that for myself right now!

I used to believe that I was ready for that. I think that started at the age of 16 for me. But I didn’t really think that way – I was told to think that way and so I did. There was no “teen age” for us. You were a child, and then a young Lady, until you got married, then you were a Lady. A full-grown woman. Hence we weren’t allowed to think for ourselves in a way that would make us enjoy life without a family of our own. Our entire purpose was to have babies.

They tell you all kinds of crap to scare you into believing them. Not having children causes breast cancer, or cervical cancer, or really, pick any cancer. It makes you depressive. It makes you selfish.

Maybe the reason why I believed I was ready to have kids was partially based on my wish to be in control somehow. You see, as a daughter you have no rights, but as a mother you do. You don’t have to obey anymore, you’re being obeyed. You actually have a say in decisions (unless your husband is home).

I was longing to be married with kids. I always imagined I’d have a husband who gave me his full attention. Is that because I never had my parent’s full attention? I dreamed of a baby of my own, to love. Is that because I was never entirely loved the way I needed it (or felt that way)?

Being where I am right now I know more than ever that I was not ready to be married and have kids. I’m still not ready to be married and have kids. I don’t know when I’ll be ready and that is ok. I’ll know when the time comes.

And for now I’ll keep looking at the young moms, thinking that I’m happy for them, but that I’m also happy for myself.

7 thoughts on “Thank God I’m not there yet

  1. Damn. A never ending chain of emotional neediness. The mother wants attention from the father who can’t give it because he has to work to feed 12 children who want attention from the mother who can’t give it because she has to work to take care of 12 children who then become parents who have 12 children who want attention and they can’t give it because…

  2. I found your blog a few days ago and have read most of your stuff…I can identify….I’m only a few years older (LATE 20’s!)…I also grew up in a “homeschool cult” of sorts…and thank God I NEVER married anyone my dad approved of….my life would be miserable and I always knew I’d end up divorcing!🙂 (of course I didn’t know that at the time cause I was raised to believe that I should submit to EVERYTHING….my mom couldn’t even go to the grocery store without my dad’s permisssion!). I completely identify with your feelings in looking at others your/my age with children. I should have been married and had a child within a year….instead I married someone my father totally disapproved of (haven’t had any real contact with my father since) and haven’t had a child in 2 years. Most of the girls I grew up with got married years ago….and have children! What’s sad….some, whom are raised “normal”, are ready to have children younger cause they EXPERIENCED some of life….for us….we never had any experience in REAL life until we left the “cult”….

    I thought I was ready to be married at age 18 (or before!), but that was just because we were TRAINED to be…sure I could cook and manage a household and even help run a “family business”! But I knew nothing of real life, real people, real world. It was a “bubble”, a fake world.

    Anyhow….I won’t write a speech!🙂 Just wanted to say I’m SO proud of you for standing up to your family/fiance. It takes a special sort of person with guts/inner drive. Mine was a process of leaving, and it took me years (I’m still working on it!) to really leave behind some of the practices/beliefs. And hey, I had a bikini for 2 years before I ever wore it without a cover when around other people!🙂 Even now I feel like I’m possibly being immodest!😉

    • “I thought I was ready to be married at age 18 (or before!), but that was just because we were TRAINED to be…sure I could cook and manage a household and even help run a “family business”! But I knew nothing of real life, real people, real world. It was a “bubble”, a fake world. ”

      This! So many girls/women in the exact same bubble! And what happens when reality hits them? It can only cause pain.

  3. I found your blog a few days ago and have read most of your stuff…I can identify….I’m only a few years older (LATE 20’s!)…I also grew up in a “homeschool cult” of sorts…and thank God I NEVER married anyone my dad approved of….my life would be miserable and I always knew I’d end up divorcing!🙂 (of course I didn’t know that at the time cause I was raised to believe that I should submit to EVERYTHING….my mom couldn’t even go to the grocery store without my dad’s permisssion!). I completely identify with your feelings in looking at others your/my age with children. I should have been married and had a child within a year….instead I married someone my father totally disapproved of (haven’t had any real contact with my father since) and haven’t had a child in 2 years. Most of the girls I grew up with got married years ago….and have children! What’s sad….some, whom are raised “normal”, are ready to have children younger cause they EXPERIENCED some of life….for us….we never had any experience in REAL life until we left the “cult”….

    I thought I was ready to be married at age 18 (or before!), but that was just because we were TRAINED to be…sure I could cook and manage a household and even help run a “family business”! But I knew nothing of real life, real people, real world. It was a “bubble”, a fake world.

    Anyhow….I won’t write a speech!🙂 Just wanted to say I’m SO proud of you for standing up to your family/fiance. It takes a special sort of person with guts/inner drive. Mine was a process of leaving, and it took me years (I’m still working on it!) to really leave behind some of the practices/beliefs. And hey, I had a bikini for 2 years before I ever wore it without a cover when around other people!🙂 Even now I feel like I’m possibly being immodest!😉

  4. Congratulations on realizing that you’re not there yet. Too many women in my world end up there before they are ready. Unfortunately, most of them are single and/or have no idea how to raise a child.

    You may never be ready to be there and that’s okay. It sounds as though you are getting your act together and you’ll know if and when you are ready.

  5. You’re so young and you’ve had so little time on your own. It’s good that you’re taking time to be a mother to yourself for a while. You deserve it.

  6. Well said! As you say, you’ll know when the time is right for you to marry and have kids. Until then, don’t worry, learn to love life and especially to love yourself.

    Two contradictory facts: (1) we’ve got enough babies in the world so there’s no duty to produce more, but (2) there’s always room for loved children! So you don’t have any duty either way on that.

    So, if and when you want to be a mother, do it. Not until then. Enjoy life, find your feet in the real world and accept that the bullying nonsense that fundamentalists preach is about controlling others, not about making the world a better place, and certainly not about pleasing any conception of God who is worthy of praise.

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