I’ve written before that I often look at girls younger than me, feeling jealous that they are so free and happy. For the last two or three weeks however, I find myself looking at women my age, or maybe a bit older, specifically the married ones and the ones with little children.
I see young women carrying around babies of about six months or a year of age and it just hits me every time: That could’ve been you. That is what you were supposed to be. I’m not saying that they look sad or anything, quite the opposite (i hope!).
I look at them and I realize more than ever that this would be reality for me! I find myself wondering: Would I have one by now or just be pregnant? Would I already have a second on the way? Would I look this happy on the outside too?
Whenever these thoughts come to my mind I smile. Not because I’m thinking of the child(ren) I could have by now but simply because of the fact that I don’t have them! I thank God that this fate did not hit me. I know people say that once you have a baby, you’ll love it and be happy to have it. I just can’t imagine that for myself right now!
I used to believe that I was ready for that. I think that started at the age of 16 for me. But I didn’t really think that way – I was told to think that way and so I did. There was no “teen age” for us. You were a child, and then a young Lady, until you got married, then you were a Lady. A full-grown woman. Hence we weren’t allowed to think for ourselves in a way that would make us enjoy life without a family of our own. Our entire purpose was to have babies.
They tell you all kinds of crap to scare you into believing them. Not having children causes breast cancer, or cervical cancer, or really, pick any cancer. It makes you depressive. It makes you selfish.
Maybe the reason why I believed I was ready to have kids was partially based on my wish to be in control somehow. You see, as a daughter you have no rights, but as a mother you do. You don’t have to obey anymore, you’re being obeyed. You actually have a say in decisions (unless your husband is home).
I was longing to be married with kids. I always imagined I’d have a husband who gave me his full attention. Is that because I never had my parent’s full attention? I dreamed of a baby of my own, to love. Is that because I was never entirely loved the way I needed it (or felt that way)?
Being where I am right now I know more than ever that I was not ready to be married and have kids. I’m still not ready to be married and have kids. I don’t know when I’ll be ready and that is ok. I’ll know when the time comes.
And for now I’ll keep looking at the young moms, thinking that I’m happy for them, but that I’m also happy for myself.