Broken Daughters

Picking up the shattered glass of fundamentalism

A letter to somebody

5 Comments

I wish I had a mother like the others. One who has time for me and gives me advice. One who loved me despite my different opinions. One who stood up for me when I needed it the most.

And I wish I could be the daughter you always wanted to have. I wish I could do exactly the things you always dreamed of me doing, be the perfect little girl you imagined I’d be.

It’s funny how impossible it seems from my point of view. How impossible to be who you want me to be. How impossible must it be for you to be who I want you to be?

I feel like I can’t even talk to you. I’m wondering if you’re waiting for me to call. To talk to you about all the bad things that happened ever since I left. It’s funny to me. How a loneliness so big in two people yet doesn’t manage to build a bridge over the gap. We’re in the same room, with back turned to each other. I can’t even see you.

Sometimes I feel… split. There’s this girl I’ve heard of, who grew up in this fundamentalist family, and I know her story. I think a friend told me about her? Well, she left. I don’t know what happened after that. She disappeared into nothingness. And then there’s me. I was born, and I was already 22 when that happened. I didn’t have a childhood or teen years. I was born 22. I don’t know this other girl they say I used to be. I can’t be. How could I possibly be her if I’m so different? How could I possibly be her?

Sometimes I despise this girl. She left her family. You don’t leave your family. She can’t be a very good person. I on the other hand, I’m a good person. I just flutter through life, like a moth. I try to follow the light whenever I can catch a glimpse of it.

Maybe it helps me to think of myself this way. Being born at adult age means I have no family I could abandon. I don’t have to call them either.

I just can’t face my siblings. My parents. I don’t want to speak of my sister. It’s all not me.

Sometimes I think of this girl, it’s like a movie. And I realize that this is me. This is me. And then I have to ask myself, what did you do? Why did you do that? I wish it wouldn’t exist. I wish I could be … not her. I wish I could leave forever and go somewhere nobody knows me, and tell a beautiful story of two loving parents who unfortunately died in a car accident. No, I don’t have any brothers or sisters. It’s just me and that’s all there’ll ever be.

But I can’t.

Mom, can’t you make the world start all over and we’ll give it another try? We’ll make it better this time, I promise.

5 thoughts on “A letter to somebody

  1. I’m not much of a hugger… but hugs to you.
    Living in the tension is hard… but possible.

  2. This is a beautiful entry. It might not feel that way to you, but believe me, you’ve expressed what a lot of people feel, whether they grew up like you or not.

    My mom is emotionally unavailable, and I feel similarly. There are things I wish I could discuss with her, but it’s pointless b/c she can’t see things from my point of view. Mostly I just wanted to say thanks for sharing and (((hugs))).

  3. Have you tried to just call your Mom and talk to her – only her. Maybe she just needs to hear from you and the healing that your relationship needs can begin.

  4. Man, girl I know exactly what you are going through. I am labled by my parents as rebellious right now and told I need to repent. I left home 8 months ago because of a lot of emotional, spiritual and verbal abuse. I had become terrified of my dad. I was not allowed to think differently than my parents or voice questions or concerns. If I did I was told I was rebellious. I was never good enough for them. I was never a good enough homemaker, I would never make a good enough wife, I was never home enough ect. I left home after being convicted by God that I was revolving my whole life around pleasing my parents instead of Him. Because of this I am labled rebellious and told I need to repent. My mother has turned against me and said horribly cruel things.She doesn’t believe me when I tell her what my dad did and said. She refuses to hear my side or try to understand. She won’t even meet with me for coffee, and I live 15 minutes away from her! I will never be the kind of daughter she wants. I feel your pain. There are days I just want my mom so bad. I just want her to love me no matter what. I want to go out for coffee with her and laugh and talk. I want to go shopping with her. I want to tell her about my life. I want to go wedding dress shopping with her someday. I want to talk baby talk with her when I have my first baby. I want so much to have a relationship with her! I really love her. I feel your pain girl. Hugs!
    I miss my siblings too.šŸ˜¦ My parents have turned most of them against me and it breaks my heart. I love them and worry about them all the time. Especially my sisters. I wish I could be there for them and it kills me they probably think I’ve rejected them

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