I want to talk about a major problem I’ve always had ever since my parents put strong emphasis on the purity teachings – when I was old enough to understand that I had to “protect” my purity.
All of the purity teachings have a potential to make sex look really bad. It is something that will break your entire being, body, mind and soul. If you give it away, you will lose a large portion of everything you are to a person who eventually does not value it. Sex and everything around it becomes an enemy you have to fight.
Now, of course none of the P/QF folks, neither adults nor teens, have a supernatural power that allows them to block all their sexual desires at all times unless they’re appropriate. That’s because they’re just people (Who would’ve known?). As you probably already guesses, I had those desires too!
While you mostly dream of a faceless Prince Charming, a completely asexual one, as a young girl, these images change in your teens. Just like every other teen, I dreamed of kissing my Prince Charming and holding hands and getting flowers and so on. And further in my teens, I started wondering what it would feel like to get more kissing than just a peck on the lips. And even further, I started to wonder what having sex with him would be like. For certain periods, this Prince had the face of a boy I knew, other times he just looked like how I imagined a really attractive man (tall, dark, slightly curly hair, brown eyes…. I’m a walking stereotype!).
And all of this was a sin. I was mentally cheating on my future husband. I think it’s partially to stop young girls from these dreams that makes people teach negative things about sex. How it’s disgusting, humiliating and cheap.
And then, there were these two specific teachings which I could never manage to make sense of. Each individual teaching makes sense on its own, but combined they stop making sense to make.
First off, while sex outside of marriage is dirty, cheap, humiliating and dangerous, within the boundaries of marriage it’s sacred, beautiful, holy and good. God made sex, so it’s good. It’s the most beautiful thing about marriage. So far so good.
Second, a wife must understand that her husband’s need for sex is much larger than her own. Refusing him is a sin. If a woman does not enjoy it, she must overcome that and do it anyway. She must act like it’s fun to satisfy her husband. She is supposed to say yes whenever he asks because her body belongs to him. It’s a “fact” that women don’t crave sex as much and that it’s not as enjoyable for them as it’s simply not a part of their design. Men on the other hand see sex as the most important thing in a relationship, so since he’s your head, you’re to submit to him, support him and fulfill his desires.
So wait a minute, on one hand it’s awesome in marriage, on the other hand you still have to force yourself?
I love spaghetti and, no joke, I could it eat literally every single day. Twice! I do not like pork and if someone put it in front of me, I’d have a hard time swallowing each bite.
It’s either awesome, or it’s not. It can’t be both a blessing and a burden at the same time. I fully understand that you might not want sex every single day, but there’s a fundamental difference between something that’s enjoyable and something that is done out of obligation.
Until this day I do not know how to categorize “sex”. Good or bad? Fun or burden? Enjoyable or obligation? I always felt like these teachers were only trying to force people into abstinence first by telling them how terrible sex before marriage is and how awesome it is in marriage, but once the women get married, you have to make clear to them that this might not be true for everyone, but now it’s too late and you have to do it any way. If you’ve been taught to view sex as something terrible for your entire life, chances are you won’t enjoy it that much. This image will stay in your head for the rest of your life, if you’re unlucky.
The “in marriage it’s great” blabber just doesn’t cut it! People are supposed to suppress all off their sexual desires, to feel ashamed for having them in the first place, until they say “I do”, which is exactly the moment where the girls are supposed to throw their clothes away, put a hot strip-show on and act like sex-maniacs. And men are likewise supposed to be able to perform at any time of the day. Going from beating themselves up over looking at a pretty girl’s butt to lusting after their wife as much as they please. Can you give me a sexual dysfunction?
I really wish I’ll be able to figure this one out in this life, because I certainly don’t want to end up like one of those wives who deny themselves every form of joy because that’s how they’re supposed to act.