Broken Daughters

Picking up the shattered glass of fundamentalism

Up and down, up and down…


I have learned many things in those last years. I have changed the ways I perceive certain things. I reevaluated much in my life.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is the lesson about happiness and sadness. What I’m about to write might seem like old news to many, or the girlish musings of an inexperienced fundamentalist, but it helps me so to remind myself of this whenever need be.

If you had more money than you could ever possibly spend, of what value would that money be?

If you had infinite water and food, of what value would that be, when you do not know hunger?

If you had infinite, constant happiness at all times, how happy would you really be?

The value of something can only appreciates when you know the opposite.

Happiness means nothing without sadness.

I have had very very dark days in my life. Days where I couldn’t look into the future because I simply could not see anything good coming my way. I couldn’t imagine happiness ever again.

I remember a day earlier, this spring, when I was so very happy. I hadn’t thought of anything bad ever coming my way for days, I was ecstatic, glowing, feeling like I could take the whole world with me (and eat one of those tasty McDonald’s cakes at the same time). And on exactly that day I realized: This. This moment only exists because I know the bad days. And because I know the bad days will come again. They’re lurking right around the corner, waiting for me. They will come.

But that didn’t make me sad at all – isn’t that funny? I was there, smiling, knowing that because those bad days will come soon enough, I have to value these happy days. These happy days in which I’m not bothered with anything that scares, hurts, breaks me.

For every up, there is a down. And then an up again. And down. That’s how it is, and it’s good that way.

And suddenly I’m able to do something I couldn’t imagine before: I can value sadness and hurt. I can sit here and be sad and depressed, and even crying, and I know that this won’t last forever. There will be an up again. There will be a day (it’s actually lurking around the corner) where I will smile and look at the sunshine and the beauty of life and my heart will be beating fast, because I will be so, so happy again. And sadness becomes eagerness. Becomes anticipation for the good to come.

I’m writing this post right now in a situation I can feel will bring a down. To be quite honest, I could easily avoid getting into it. I could be quiet (and meek, urghs!) and sit on my mountain of happiness just to realize that it isn’t worth anything. So instead, I will just jump off it, hopefully not break a leg, and get ready to climb a new mountain.

It will be dark and scary, but there’s always more to come.


2 thoughts on “Up and down, up and down…

  1. I have been where you are due to some of the same misapplications of scripture and feel your hurt. It is like you have been given a recipe for a cake, some of the right ingredients mixed with a whole bunch of strange ingredients in wrong amounts , wrong temperature and no wonder it comes out of the oven looking wrong and tasting bad. You may never want to taste cake again. And I do not blame you.

    I have been to many websites this summer written by those just like you, hurting, broken, having escaped the bondage of P/QF and other cult type groups. Some hurt so bad they figure there cannot be a God. But Jesus loves you and He is always there, without prejudice nor critical to meet you right where you are. God bless!

    (Mat 11:28 NKJV) “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

  2. Good luck with the difficult situation. This simply proves that you’ve grown. Can I have a tiny bit of your positiveness? Mine has kinda run off XP

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s