Broken Daughters

Picking up the shattered glass of fundamentalism

“Making the most of it”

5 Comments

You know how people say that the summer you graduate high school is “the best summer of your life”?

I’ve heard so much of this in the past few months. “This will be the summer of your life! Make the most of it! Enjoy! This feeling will never come back!”

Well, they’re right, I’m not going to go all whiney on you.

It’s just… it’s so much. I feel like I’m being buried under a ton of bricks. It’s too much!

I try to work a lot to pay for some city trips I planned with friends. And that’s really exhausting for me, because I’m trying to balance it with so much other stuff.

On monday, we go swimming. On Tuesday, we go shopping. On Wednesday, we go for coffees. On thursday it’s movie night. On friday there’s some fair to go to (every weekend in the summer there’s one around here… gosh, they’re all the same!), on saturday and sunday, well, there’s always some social event.

I know I’m bitching on a super high level here. It’s just that I’m not a social person. Being with people and socializing every single day is a bit draining for me because I feel so pushed to do it. When I try to say no, people say stuff like “But it’s the summer of your life!!!”. Yeah, totally.

I hardly have time for D, and some stuff has come up there that I’d really like to work on (nothing bad but still). I feel like I’m neglecting him – he works full-time and when he’s off work, I’m hardly ever there. Last time I saw him on Wednesday – today’s Saturday and I hope he’ll tag along if he’s not too exhausted.

And at the same time, I feel like university is looming over my head like an axe. I’m so so so afraid of it! I just feel like this is too big for me. This can’t be me, I’m not good enough for it, I can’t do it. I’m so afraid of failure. Everybody says this’ll get better after the first month of university when you get into the feel of it, but I’m not sure. Of course I won’t back out now, just can’t stop feeling this way.

Well, I’m typing this up in a hurry. I just got off work and showered – my hair’s still wet and I’m supposed to pick my friends up in 5 minutes. Mind you, it’s a 20 minute drive. I just had to get this out.

Oh, and: We’re going to a street festival. Greaaaaaaaat. At least there’ll be decent food, so I was told.

5 thoughts on ““Making the most of it”

  1. I understand…I am not a very social person either. I could also relate very well with your other post about just being able to sit down and enjoying the silence. You might wanna read up on highly sensitive people (HSP)…very enlightening! My motto is, I socialize as much as I enjoy it. Not everyone has the same capacity for social life:-) Just make sure you really enjoy the summer, even if that means taking a book and going to some quiet place on your own so you are well rested for university!

  2. It sounds like because of your background you’re still not very good at saying no. I don’t blame you. I’m not very good at saying no either. But if you’re feeling pushed to do things, and people are using guilt trips to get you to do things, however good intentioned they are, you should feel free to say no if you want to.

    One trick I always use is to say “I already have plans” and leave it at that. They don’t need to know that your plans are to curl up under the covers with a good book, or pass out in front of the television, or have a date with your boyfriend, or whatever your “me time” needs happen to be.

    It’s hard to stand up for yourself. It’s harder to stand up for yourself when you were never allowed to practice doing so while you were growing up. But from everything I’ve read on your blog you’re an amazing person and have overcome so much that you should be able to do this too.

  3. This is the summer of your life, so do what you really want to do! It can be so hard to say no, I am not a really social person either. Sometimes I just had to make a priority list, and find excuses for the things that weren’t as high, but were high demand on my time and energy. That helped me.🙂 I sincerely hope that this is one of your best summers. Oh, and you can so do the University thing. You have guts, and that is the biggest key to success.

  4. You need to learn to say No. I understand that this can be hard, especially with your background. Perhaps your mom’s family can help you?

  5. Coming from a different, but similar background, I understand what you are saying… when I first left the strict mennonite sect of my parents, I tried to do everything because I finally could! No one was telling me I couldn’t or shouldn’t do this or that… so I did it all!
    So your pendulum has swung that way also, which is totally understandable… find out what things you enjoy and what you don’t and start saying no to some things and that will bring the pendulum back into balance more.

    I read this quote recently and thought of it when I read this post…
    “Find out what you really like if you can. Find out what is really important to you. Then sing your song. You will have something to sing about and your whole heart will be in the singing.” – Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

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