In the first post I wrote about my boyfriend D admitting to me that he is bisexual. And here’s part 2: How I dealt with it, how he did, how we did.
I don’t remember who spoke first. I just know it must have been almost 30 minutes of silence before we started talking. And I remember how I lined up some questions in my head, questions that would determine whether I could deal with it or not. There were still so many stereotypes and fears in my head. It was so hard to even find a starting point to the whole thing.
I asked him if that meant he wanted to see other people. That was simply my first impression, or at least what I’ve always been taught about gay/bi people – they sleep around a lot. D was pretty shocked when I asked him that – surprised even. Of course he didn’t want that. He never mentioned anything like that, and that was not his intention when he told me.
I’ll admit that I still had no clue how to deal with it, and if I could possibly deal with it at all. But at the same time I was happy that he told me about it.
We talked almost all night, him getting only 2 hours of sleep before work. We discussed so many things. Why he didn’t tell me before – a question I could have answered myself. How he knew, when he found out. He said he never “knew” really, he just had an interest but thought all men had that. It didn’t appear to him as something unusual. Only later in life, at the age of 19, 20, he realized that his interest in both naked women and men was not something every man felt. That’s when it dawned to him, but it wasn’t something he wanted to admit to everybody, or even to himself. Nevertheless he didn’t deny himself feeling that way. He just kept it the way it had been: A normal interest, no more no less.
Of course I asked him if and how he ever lived that interest out, and how I could be sure that he wouldn’t leave me for a man – isn’t that a strange question? I mean, he might just leave me for another woman, but that fear I do not have. Maybe it’s because I know I can’t fulfill certain areas of interest simply because I lack the physical conditions for it (you know, I don’t have a penis!). Either way, he told me had actually been in a relationship with a man for a few months. A gay man, who was seeking something serious. He expressed that he felt bad about this relationship, not because it happened but because he felt he set that man up for pain. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship with a man in the first place, hence he should not have gotten involved with a man willing to commit emotions and work and hopes. He said he tried hard, but aside from a sexual interest, he could not deal with a man on a daily basis. He said he missed the ‘feminine’ qualities in a partner – D really likes make up and pretty clothes on a woman, and he’s a great listener to female problems a man would never have, he enjoys both girlishness and strong womanhood, female sound of laughter and ‘how women smell’ as he expressed it. Either way, he quickly found that he missed both female qualities as well as female sexuality, though he did enjoy the gay part of the relationship. A few months later, his boyfriend approached him to “take the next step”, which was when he realized that this just wasn’t for him. He realized that being bisexual was something linked strongly to sex, and little more. He also realized that, while he did have gay fantasies in previous relationships with women, the craving for living those out wasn’t very high, while he did have a great craving to have sex with women while he was with a man. A craving he said he could not live with never getting to fulfill if he stayed in a committed relationship with a man. His decision was clear: It was much easier dealing with his gay fantasies in a hetero relationship than dealing with hetero fantasies in a gay relationship. He decided to come clear about all this to his boyfriend, who, as he said, was very hurt but understood. They parted in as much friendship as can be possible when someone leaves with a broken heart.
All this pretty much answered my questions and calmed my concerns. That’s very surprising to me – I figured I would be so hurt if I found out that my boyfriend had a boyfriend in the past. But quite the opposite happened – I’m relieved to say the least. I feel safety. I know he’s been there, I know he knows what he wants. This is not something that might linger and just wait to happen, him cheating on me with a man just to see what it’s like. It’s been done and he knows that while he did enjoy it, he cannot live a life of it, he prefers being with a woman most of the time, both sexually as well as relationship wise. He said that his fantasies do exist still, and that he enjoys them, but if he is in a happy hetero relationship, it is no problem for him to put these were they belong, as fantasies, something to enjoy on occasion, and not going out to actually find fulfillment of fantasies.
I asked him that if he were to be single right now, would he do it again? He said that yes, he would not say no if he met a man who he found attractive, however he would go about it differently. He would put the cards on the table, ne open and honest about his intentions and feelings. And if the other one was ok with that, he wouldn’t mind. His experience wasn’t bad, it didn’t feel wrong to him apart from the obvious hurt he caused, so he has accepted this as a side of himself. However, he said, he much prefers a steady relationship over affairs, and he wouldn’t trade what we have gained so far.
We got to bed very late – or should I say early in the morning? I told him I needed some time to digest all of this. I slept in some the next morning but got up at 9, had my coffee and breakfast, did some googling, reading, thinking. At about 4 PM, I couldn’t take it anymore, sitting there knowing that he was probably worrying at work, tired and sad. I hadn’t been very nice. I got dressed and put on some make up and made my way over to his work place. I usually don’t go over unless I need something, but I decided this was not something I should write in a text message.
I went inside and smiled when I saw him from behind. He hadn’t seen me yet. I walked up to him, but he didn’t realize there was somebody standing next to him, he just kept working.
“Hey” I said.
I saw how he flinched from the surprise, whirled around with big eyes and looked at me somewhat surprised, and happy.
“Hey, what are you doing here? Do you need something?”
“No”, I said, “I was around, shopping, thought I’d come over” (yes you caught me, I lied!)
He smiled, but he looked so bad, so worn out and tired, I could hardly stand myself because I had been such a mean person the night before.
“I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to make dinner, what time do you get off so I can start preparing on time?”
“Seven, I think… but… you know, if there’s not too much to do, I’ll be off at seven, I’ll text you if I’m late.”
Yep, that was the question I didn’t want to text. I felt that something like “Please come over for dinner tonight” just sounds so serious. Asking that with a smile in person is so much nicer.
He ended up being on time, we ate, talked and slept early.
And that night was a good one, because I could feel a feeling of trust I have never felt with anyone before. Because he could’ve just kept it secret, lived out his fantasies, but instead he risked me breaking up with him over this because he wanted to be honest. I think that’s a pretty good base for more.