…but my brain just might, haha!
I will make this confession – I imagined this to be so much easier. I thought I’d still get around to blog once a week and feel good and all, but now I haven’t posted anything substantial in like two months and I can finally admit that I completely overestimated myself.
University is much harder than I expect – and it’s not even because of the classes. No, it’s because it’s confusing. It’s new people, new contacts and with them, new disappointments. Like that one guy who you were supposed to give a presentation with, only he never did anything and didn’t show up to class that day, leaving you to fill his part as well. Or like the study group which turned out to be shallow young girls discussing their disturbing, yet quite interesting sex lives (is dressing up sexy just to get a guy fall in love with you and then tell him that you despise him just for the fun of seeing his heart break a new sport?).
I wondered about the high rates of failure and drop-outs. Now I can totally see where a large chunk comes from. They fail tests because they don’t show up for class. Because they think seven days is enough to study for a big exam. Because they are young and wild and they still have so much time on their hands and no worries that failing is a part of it – it’s not that bad, they’re all still trying to find their ways.
Only it’s different for me. I’m not “that young” anymore, meaning I’m not 18, fresh out of high school, just testing the waters. I want to get somewhere, I need to get somewhere. I’m 25 and if I manage the average number of semesters to graduate law, I’ll be 32. These younger ones, they can mess up a year or two and still graduate under 30. I guess, simply because I’m older, and more experienced (without sounding patronizing), I have a different view on life. I’m sure they will too by the time they hit their mid twenties. It’s just a point where you realize you won’t be young forever, you won’t manage to live with the excuse “I’m young, I have plenty of time” for much longer.
I thought I’d be better off if I knitted some contacts with the younger group because I feel I’m more on their level mentally (if that makes sense), but it turns out that I feel like a child even next to some 18 year olds but still have different ideas of how I should handle life. And I guess that’s ok.
I now found a slightly older crowd my age (all mid and late 20s) who are first semesters as well. I feel like they understand much better where I come from, though many of them are much more mature mentally than I am. But that’s ok too. Given how “unique” us ex-fundies are, I’d have a hard time finding anybody like me around here. Maybe that would be different in the US where there are good networks of ex-fundies, but not here.
And it’s not just school. Work has become a drag because it robs so much of my time. I get home and I want to spend time with D or my friends, and yet I should do homework, housework, whatever. I’m trying to find a routine of doing the chores and meeting my social needs, but to be quite honest with you guys, my home is a mess.
A few days ago I didn’t even manage to put the dishes into the dishwasher. I had no time at all and I was tired enough to drop. So I left them standing there, rotting all by themselves.
Last week, I didn’t make my bed – two days in a row!
Two weeks ago, I had to go to school with disgusting hair because I had no time to wash it.
And the floor in my bedroom looks like a mix of a library and a paper recycling station. My desk, my beautiful “old made new with my own hands” desk? I haven’t seen that since the second week of school. I am wondering whether it is still there, somewhere under all those books and papers. It might just have vanished into thin air.
Yes, you see, it’s hard, and I would love to add more, but I’m heading off to work now and these five minutes it took to write this post are all I could spare. To everyone who has been through this: How did you manage?!