Studying is the new praying. I’m having serious issues with studying; I actually study religiously. That might be a good thing for a normal, worldly person. But if you are from a bible freak family, religiously means something completely different.
There is never an ‘enough’ point, never a ‘done for today’, always one more prayer, one more article, one more book to read. It’s not that hard, studying law. Really, so far a lot of it has been memorizing things. I’m pretty good at memorizing things word-for-word, a great advantage I find when you study something like law, which is extremely memorize-y.
But I don’t find an end of the day. I can’t sleep well anymore because I feel it’s a waste of my precious studying time. It’s all I ever think about. The idea of not getting an A freaks me out. I don’t really know why, I suppose it is because I come from a community where if you didn’t have an A in purity and lifestyle and bible knowledge, you were a fail. It’s very much a “holier than thou” attitude, extended to studying. I feel very much like I did as a teen, wearing my A as a badge of honor. A scarlet letter in reverse, so to speak.
I’m feeling very bad these days. I hardly talk anymore when I see my friends and when I’m spoken to, I only bark “yes” in order to shut them up. I want to find some peace and stop the thoughts from hammering in my brain, stop my mental self from going through the shelfs of knowledge to detect that one little spot where information might be missing. I’m afraid to watch movies and read books out of fear that the new information might overwrite something more important (what the…??).
I’m feeling like my self is pulling me back into old behaviors where I need to be punished for ‘failing’, that failing being not having done enough on that day. I feel like I need some sort of consequence for my disobedience to my home-made plan of how much to do in a day. I feel that I’m actually craving pain on some level, thinking that it would give me motivation to keep going beyond the limits.
And at the same time I hate myself for not being cheerful enough, not being friendly and happy and all those things. I feel the need to apologize all the time, to anybody really. I, again, feel the pressure of conforming to those images of the woman handling everything with a smile and a cheerful attitude. Where they right? Is my place at home? Is this happening because women are not made for this? It’s hard to silence the voices creeping up on me, whispering that I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I should go back to what I’m made for. Suddenly, the biblical bubble looks so comfortable from outside. I have to remind myself that it’s not true and I know it. I have to remind myself
I can do it, I can do it.
Is it working?